Bad timing

Layoffs here today and there is a bloodmobile right outside the building, clearly visible from all windows facing the front.

Do you Haiku?

I do.

I had a moment of clarity this am. Wrote this. Its funnier if you know the company I work for.

We ask you do much
We pay you very little
Eggroll of regret

Seriously. All haikuing aside, I don't want to be asked to leave tomorrow. I do want to be here and contribute, but I can't stop trying to be pithy. As much as I love to write, this blog isn't helping me pay the mortgage.

I dread tomorrow.

I can report that the girls are much better. They are significantly less sore, starting to fall into place, and indeed, as one of my reader's commented, I secretly wish I went just a bit bigger. But I'll enjoy these for awhile and see how things go.

Things with Ivy League? Delicious. He is one adorable man. I actually got turned on last night watching him answer a tie-breaking trivia question at a bar. I love how smart and cocky he is one minute and how kind and geeky he can be the next. God am I lame or what? I so wish I could be cooler about him.

We leave on vacation together in two days.

Come Thursday it won't be alright

It is uncomfortable (weak word but I don't have a ton of time for updates this week) when layoffs are going on at the company you are working for...

Executives go missing, managers go into closed door mode, employees spend a lot, A LOT of time wondering, conjecturing, worrying about what is going on, certain people avoid other people (i.e. people in the know don't want to make eye contact with the masses, for fear their eyes will scream "Yes you are about to be booted out on your ass!" or "No, you are safe, but buckle up as things are going to get even shittier around here") and finally, a strange mixture of no work and a ridiculous amount of output gets done.

People panic - maybe if I work really really hard right now for the next 5 days and cross my fingers they won't axe me. Good workers, the thoughtful and high performing sensitive ones, seem to freeze with anxiety - the very people who might not necessarily need to worry find themselves awash in panic and desperation that shuts them down from performing at the level on which they usually operate.

You are somewhat in the know when you have been told, "You are okay for now. No long term promises, but for this round, we'd like you to continue to slave away for lower than market average wages." You are also somewhat in the know if you are smart enough to catch wind of what other teams are going through - who has a headcount target, who has already been told. But not knowing everything, every walk to the bathroom, every jaunt down to the cafeteria is precarious.

I'm here to say that being in the know is not fun. See someone you know is going but hasn't been told yet and your heart beats faster, you feel a little sick, and then you feel relief that its them and not you, and then you feel like a total ass for thinking of yourself. There is some survior guilt going on here. See someone else, someone you haven't seen in awhile, and you begin to wonder their fate - are they going? do they know? what exactly does she do around here? It takes over every moment of the day.

I worry that they will change their minds about me in the next two days and that, come Thursday, I'll be asked to go away like the other workers, managers, and executives they tagged this time.

I'm really concerned about Britney

C'mon, aren't you? Oh you know you are.

I mean, what's up with the potential second baby and all that junk food. She's a major pop star, a millionaire, yet she looks like Tammi Jo the hairdresser who lives in a trailer in Vinton, VA, dines on nothing but tuna helper and slim jims and is married to Bo who is a part-time plumber.

I feel like I should be concerned. Us, People and Star magazine thinks we should all be worried.

You gotta admit that's a better subject line than beware the Ides of March, which I bet if you Googled that phrase today is on two gazillion blogs. (This one included, obviously.)

I am touring the facility and picking up slack

Lots of my coworkers are out at an event in Vegas. Party at Pure, dancing at the Wynn. Wish I was there! Snoozeville here.

Feeling so much better. I have learned to sleep propped up on pillows!

Had a quick lunch with Ivy League today. We've been dating for awhile, and working in connecting buildings for over two months, and today was the first time we decided to eat lunch with each other. I don't know why I didn't ask him to do this before. It was only 20 minutes but it was nice - nice to get out of my office, nice to walk out of my building for awhile into the other buildings, and nice to see him.

God he looked really good.

Seriously, I walked to his office and I was almost shocked, as I always am but in a good way, by his looks. Yum. I would drink that boy's bathwater...

I still don't like Mondays...

but the girls feel better today!

I awoke, for the the first time since surgery, with no pain this morning. Nice! Still not sleeping great - sleeping propped up pillows is really hard to get used to - but there's been a drastic improvement in how I feel.

I took it very easy this weekend. I suppose that is paying off.

Ivy and I had a very serious talk on Friday. Came to an agreement on many things, and we both have a better understanding of each other and what we were getting upset about over the past week and also in past fights.

Top Five Things I did this weekend:
1. Lay in bed with Ivy League Hottie on Friday night
2. Lay in bed with Ivy on Saturday and watch ACC Tourney.
3. Lay in bed with Ivy on Saturday night and watch porn and Sportscenter
4. Lay in bed with Ivy on Sunday morning and watch Mad Hot Ballroom and Sunday Morning
5. Watch the Sopranos with Ivy Sunday night

Watched two really disappointing movies this weekend. Lord of War and Grizzly Man. The Grizzly guy in the documentary was self indulgent and wacko, and the movie itself was about 45 minutes too long. Lord of War had holes in the script and I just wasn't convinced that Nicholas Cage and Jared Leto were Russia or that they could go from being small time losers in Brooklyn to arms dealing all over the world. There was a leap that happened about 10 minutes in the script that I just didn't buy...

Buyer's remorse

Why the hell didn't anybody warn me about mood swings post surgery. Damn! I am like a ball of anger one minute and a weepy housewife the next.

It's either lack of sleep that's influencing this or some sort of weird depression I've settled into b/c I am less than happy with the results of the surgery. I know in reality that the swelling is going to go down and I am going to feel better eventually, but right now, living this, is just pure hell. And its been a factor in the fights I have picked with Ivy League hottie all week. Best bet is to stay away from him for awhile.

And honestly, they look really, really stupid when I don't have my clothes on. I hope this gets better. I have buyer's remorse for my new boobs.

Things are less than perfect with my perfect man

Am depressed about my near perfect ability to screw up a great relationship.

Things are less than perfect within my world after the many fights this week with Ivy. I think I am purposely trying to sabotage this - and its now gone past the point of being fixable. I don't want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me over really really stupid shit. But also can't seem to find a way out of the hole I have gotten myself into.

Will write more later.

Words that don't get used enough as verbs

Nobody ever uses bed as a verb anymore, unless one is writing romance novels. I think we should bring that one back - as in:

I wish I had a place to bed him.

Or

I just don't bed him enough. He's going to go looking for another filly.

Other words in this category that don't get used enough in daily conversation. Insert them where bed was in the above sentences and use away.

1. Ravage
2. Blow

Don't block the box

My girlfriends have adopted this as their new motto in dating.

Your box gets blocked if a certain guy is manipulating your time and you want to spread the love among many beaus.

A good friend just found out that one of her guys is coming to visit her for a full week - and her lament was, "Oh this will be fun but now my box is blocked all week!"

Don't block the box. Spread the word.

I have a bigger set of twins now

The title says it all. I went up a cup!

This bilateral breast augmentation has been a long time in the works. I had a baby several years ago and breastfed for many months, and those two things (pregnancy and breastfeeding) left my girls a bit smaller than they used to be.

Previous significant others were not in favor of the operation, despite always looking at big breasted women as they walked by. ("Honey, do as I say, not as I do!!!")

So, after getting my recent job and paying off some much needed debt, I gave myself the gift of enhanced cleavage. This operation is all about me. And in spite of the pain I am in today (day four post surgery) and being barely able to function at work, I am SO HAPPY with what I have done.

They are still swollen, and they sit extremely high on my chest -they start right below my collarbone - but I know that once they migrate into place they are going to look good. I went for a large C-cup. And being a short girl, this should give me the voluptuous effect I was going after when I paid the doctor thousands of dollars last week. Right now they are easily a full D, and I look ridiculous naked.

In the meantime, before they get to their final state in anywhere from 2-4 weeks, I walk around the house and work feeling like I have two small bowling balls on top of my lungs. They are like steel torpedoes on my chest, and you would think I would love being this well endowed. But they don't move, even as I walk fast, and they aren't quite yet making me feel as sexy as my smaller, un-enhanced breasts did. But I'm ever hopeful, and looking forward to bikini season and going out around St. Patrick Day to see if the new girls make a difference. This will be an interesting social experiment that I'll document here.

No one at work noticed today. Been wearing padded bras for many months now, so hopefully the change won't be so obvious. I also wore a loose shirt. If I wear anything remotely tight, the word will be out. There aren't many women in my building to begin with - this change will just be too much- so I plan on loose clothing for awhile if I can manage it.

Ivy League has been supportive. He claims that it didn't matter to him one way or another, and once we even had a fight about the fact that he didn't like men looking at my breasts in their current small state. Yet, as we covered in the past posts, he is a guy and it is his nature, I've never seen a girl with a great rack not catch his eye.

He's taken care of me over the past week, even through the fights about DC and Atlanta girls, and this included doing things above and beyond typical boyfriend duty. I won't digress here into details, but he's been great in the caregiver department. He's babysat, shopped, did laundry, cooked, cleaned, bathed me, and helped me into the bathroom numerous times.

I'm on my own this week as we spent WAY TOO MUCH time together last week b/c of the operation. I am managing okay - I would say that the most difficult thing is driving. I probably shouldn't be doing that, as it hurts to climb into my car, hurts to put the seatbelt on, and hurts to raise my right arm away from my waist. But my commute is short, so I'll suffer through. Everyday I wake up and think the pain will be less, but the last two days have disappointed me in that department.

And sleeping....ugh. I have to sleep propped up, as if I am in a recliner. I cannot lie flat on my back, or my side, or my stomach. Learning to sleep sitting up has been painful, and last night was the first night I got a good nights sleep in this position - and that was only b/c I was past being tired. I have at least 2 more weeks to go sleeping like this.

Said the scorpion to the frog - its my nature...

To continue my rant about men and women and can they be friends without the sex thing getting in the way...

I've now run this whole situation from the last post by two of my friends. No one believes that my ivy league boyfriend slept on the couch and nothing happened that weekend in DC , and both are disappointed that I would be that naive in believing him. My best friend thinks they at least kissed, and he might have felt awkward as ass about it so he's not going to admit to it, but most people think that when a guy invests a plane ticket to another city, he's going to hit it if he gets the chance. Especially if he was less than clear about who he was visiting.

I didn't think so at all, even up to today, as we've been soooooo solid. It just doesn't fit him. But now I am starting to be convinced and disappointed. I guess it was early in our relationship - but it was the weekend after I spent Thanksgiving with his family, so the sneakiness is a bit confusing.

And as for him wanting to keep up with friendship with the Atlanta girl - all my friends agreed that it seemed odd that he was perfectly content with blowing off offers from many of his local friends over the past few months to do things with me, but this girl comes up with an offer and he's ready to go. There's only one reason guys stay friends with girls they've fucked - and that's to hit it again. He claims its because she likes sports and is good at eating chicken wings - but I see him blow off plenty of guys that do those things without a second thought. It ain't her sports acumen he's got his eye on.

In all fairness, it is the ACC Tourney. I have to give him that.

And I have to give him props in wanting to stay friends with her if only to get tix to the Final Four in 2007 as she is connected with that. He's got a little bit of a user in him. Can't blame him for that either. I am a lot like that myself.

But to be naive and actually say to me that she's not a girl but more like a guy friend - HA - its just so disappointing that he's trying to play this game. Honesty would be far more attractive. I've been the Atlanta girl - hell I am THAT girl in several guy-girl relationships I am part of. I KNOW the guys still want to sleep with me, but I just ignore it as sometimes they are so fun to toy with and watch sports with and flirt with and secretly, it is so fun to mind fuck their girlfriends with my mere presence in their lives. I enjoy the power of those relationships. (I should say I enjoyed, note the past tense, b/c I've shied away from being that girl since I got into this relationship with Ivy league...)

What is frustrating is that ivy thinks this girl he's still friends with has the most innocent of intentions:

"She was concerned about you - she asked if you would mind that I would go spend the day with her...."

Oh. Dude. Her concern was in no way about me. It was about making sure that Ivy was ok. She could give a damn about me. It is her oh-so-subtle way of stating "Your girlfriend can't be that cool, can she? b/c if she was that cool, you wouldn't be wanting to hang out with me." She likes the power too.

How do I know this - you ask? I invented that game - that game that makes the girlfriend with concerns seem like a pain in the ass and the friend seem like the most attractive, carefree philly in the world. I used to play it too - but gave it up recently under the pretense of trying to be a better person.

But I digress.

This situation has left me with disappointment, which is the loneliest of all emotions.

I had this guy on a pedestal - many of his other actions in his life point to an unbelievable, quite admirable demonstration of morals and ethics - the kind of thing I've looked for and found in very, very few men- and he's fallen off said pedestal. It doesn't change my relationship with him dramatically - I'm just not quite as crazy about him as I was. That's probably a good thing for my own sanity. I was over the moon for this guy - dreaming about getting married and having his babies and growing old while watching sportscenter sort of crazy. Christ, I not only wanted to be a better person, I wanted to be HIM as I thought he was so cool and so good and so smart and so funny. Honestly, I have never felt so strongly about someone. I still feel really good about him, just not as much so.

In the end, I thought he was different than most other men and the blame for that one is squarely on recently naive me.

This is where I have to remind myself of my favorite lines from the Crying Game; the story of the scorpion and the frog.

A scorpion needs to cross a river and he asks the frog for a ride. The frog refuses on grounds that the scorpion will surely sting him on the ride to the other bank and they will both drown. The scorpion says, "No no no I won't sting you." With trepidation, the frog agrees because the scorpion has convinced him with his arguments and promises. The scorpion hops on the frogs back and they begin the crossing. Halfway across, the frog feels a sharp pain in his back, and realizes that the scorpion has indeed stung him. Before they both go under the water, the frog asks, "Why did you sting me after you promised me you wouldn't?"

The scorpions reply?

"I can't help. It's my nature."

Never vote against nature. I simply forgot over the past few months I was dating a guy. That's my mistake- for thinking too much of him. This whole thing is just his nature.

I can hear Biz Markie

Long time no write. Been very busy with work and life, and have not had too many anecdotes from my own life to pass along. Being in love is not always conducive to funny stories. I don't feel entirely comfortable about writing about my day to day relationship with Ivy - 95% of the time its just going too well to let others in on it - and bliss does not make for interesting entries. I am toying with living vicariously through my friends and writing about their exploits here.

However, sometimes a fight or two springs up that is interesting enough to write about.

(I should note that it also turns out that Hospital diva is now pregnant and that certainly has limited her stories to be posted here.)

Biz Markie, wise sage that he is, sang these famous out of tune words:

You, you got what I need. But you say she's just a friend....

A recent very serious fight between me and Ivy League hottie involved our individual friendships with members of the opposite sex - our peeps that are "just friends." I found out that in Dec., when he went out of town to DC for the weekend, it was not to visit a couple of friends (as I assumed for some unknown reason) but he went a stayed with a girl for the weekend. So those stories of what he did that weekend, from going out to great restaurants to going to a comedy club, was all with this just a friend girl. She's not an ex - she's a "friend" from college that invited him up there.

This issue surfaced and made me a bit uncomfortable lately when I pushed on going up to DC and staying with his "friends" that he just recently visited and he said he didn't think that would be a good idea. Hmmm. I probed a bit out of confusion:

Why? (Alarm bells went off in my head,or was it the off note toy piano key sounds from the Biz song?)

He was like, "Just don't think it would be good idea. It was awkward when I was up there."

Awkward huh. I asked why and he just stated that his friend, she is just not that fun.

She??? (Alarm bells like crazy!)

Honestly, I did not know about this. I asked very few questions about his trip up there before he went and after he went - mostly because I lived in DC for many years and know the city well - didn't think he could really tell me anything I didn't know. I also think he was purposely vague about it. He kept referring to his time up there as being with his "friend."

Skip to the present where I now ask more questions - questions a typical girlfriend might have asked and I should have before he went on this trip (not two months later.) Where did you sleep? (Couch...do I honestly believe this? My friends' say no way.) Is this an ex? (Nope just a friend.) Ahh Biz I love ya! And she is NOT interested in you? (I don't think so.)

This evolved into me being pretty mad. And mad for days. Mad that I felt duped. Mad that he would spend a good amount of money on another woman when he could have stayed in town with me. Mad that he would be stupid enough to think she doesn't like him. Mad that I have let some of my male friendships fall by the wayside out of respect for him. I've turned down the "threesome" ex boyfriend for drinks a good 6-7 times because I just didn't want to rock the boat- and I am in no danger of falling back into bed with that louse. He's just a good drinking buddy now. But a buddy that I nonetheless avoided out of simplicity and respect.

Silly me. Silly silly silly me. This is where I should have acted in my own self interest instead of trying to be nice and thoughtful. Nice and thoughtful gets me nowhere. Nice and thoughtful gets nobody anywhere. Guys always act in their own self interest.

So we have a big fight about it. We get over it. And the very next day, the subject rears its ugly head again - in the form of another "friend" of Ivy's.

This one is one that he talks to regularly, and she called him on Thursday or Friday to ask him to meet her at the ACC Tourney in Greensboro. He said, sure. She said - won't your girlfriend be mad?

Now, he took this as her being concerned for me (how nice...but I think not) and I see that as her saying "Dude you are making a mistake here - I am a girl and you are going to come hang out with me for the day. Make sure you know what you are doing because most girls are not as cool as me." He is really really naive.

I went through the roof. This was the day after I found out about the DC visit and he's telling me that he's got this girl he's still friends with in Atlanta. But that I shouldn't worry - she's really a guy friend.

Really? A guy friend, huh.

Does she have a penis?

Did you fuck her at any point in the past few years?

The answer to those two questions are No and Yes. So, since she has an actual vajayjay and she has indeed used it on him then she is indeed NOT a guy friend. If he's hit it at one point in his life - she's an ex. Some sort of an ex. (And that was as recently as within two years ago.)

So he thinks that its okay for him to be friends with these two girls (I'll call them DC and Atlanta) because he doesn't like them. So I say, then it must be okay for me to continue to be friends with my guys as I don't like them either. No, he says that is different. I don't trust the guys you are friends with - and you slept with Neil. (That was 6 years ago...) You can trust my situation b/c I know "Atlanta" doesn't like me anymore and I don't like either of those girls.

That sounds like the biggest bunch of male chauvinist fucking bullshit I have ever heard.

I am shocked, just shocked by what I hear. And I am getting mad writing about it now.

Sooooo...there were major fights this weekend over this. We considered breaking up. I certainly thought that he's been less than honest and certainly he thinks I am naive. I have resolved to not let my friendships fall by the wayside.

Curiously, he admitted last night after we had "made up" that he thought DC was into him. He said she got upset when he talked about me while he was visiting. BINGO! I was right. My point to him was that he doesn't really know what he's talking about with these women and I doubt Atlanta has above board reasons for staying friends with him. I need to face the fact that since she broke up with him and he's still friends with her, that most of the time guys stays friends with ex-girlfriends because they, in some way, might want to hit it again. (That is certainly the case with some of my friends...)

It will be good to catch up with some of my friends. I don't think I should let them fall by the wayside again.