Artist's Block

Ridiculously fun evening with my nearest and dearest friends last night. I think I may have even scored a modeling gig for myself and my partner in crime. And no, it's not the cliche modeling as in "show us your goodies girls, I'm a nasty little photographer". This is legitimate, a runway show for a good cause called Sparkcon which promotes local designers and artists. I think I could use a little catwalk to build my spirits. Plus, I have been toying with the idea of pursuing a few gigs here and there based on solicitations (read: tasteful) from various photographers and P.R. folks I have run into lately. So who knows how this will motivate me. Nothing but positive is the way I'm looking at it.

Back to last night. Had a fabulous time shaking it down at the dirty little Jackpot dive in downtown Raleigh. Literally ended the evening shaking my ass to the song Pina Colladas with a sweet military man, nothing but innocent intentions, all of us motivated by the summer air and celebrations of every one's newly single status in the summer of '07. And yes, it is contagious, folks. So this is the part where I digress for a moment: My brother recently moved to New York City, and it honestly aches I miss him so much. He was my other partner in crime. I have since become attached to his "friend" a sweet young girl that reminds me of myself in a lot of ways when I was her age. Just one of those things where you know you like someone instantly. We are each others link to a dear sweet soul in a Metropolis far away from home. We have come to develop a sweet friendship out of our ache. Our entire crew consisted of old best friends, family, new best friends. I felt so free and so safe all at the same time. It was quite lovely and intoxicating. Something in the air, something about the mix of friends, something about the alcohol? Maybe...but we all felt like we were unstoppable. Without saying a word we knew we were all in the same metaphysical plane and we were tight, man.

What is it about this manic phase where in one moment the heartbreak you are experiencing can catapult you into the arms of others and all of a sudden life is pretty damn good? If only for a day, an evening, a few hours.....we all need it. I for one am feeding on it if only to keep me sane in the hours that I am away from my dark little house with I share with the fella of my "dreams". Someone should change the definition of that term, at least temporarily for me, please?

So partner in crime holds court all evening at her booth, I mean throne. Literally, our entourage was seated in an elevated booth facing out to the bar, all of us dancing and giggling, swilling our drinks and grabbing at each other, N. in the center of it all, her blonde hair shining, she's glowing and people are flocking to step up onto the platform to address the gorgeous blonde godfather (note to readers - this is an inside joke but oh so appropriate) and her subjects. At one point I think we had more people surrounding us on our little platform than in the rest of the bar. It was fabulous. And she so needed this night after the hell she has been through. It was a fucking great thing to see.

So I titled this entry Artist's Block. And yes when I started typing I felt dark and dirty, small and incapable as fella of my dreams had yet again convinced me this morning that I am utterly powerless in my existence with him, and even more so if I try to leave him. But you know, Ms. Godfather reminds me how therapeutic and enlightening it is to write it out. Dammit I think she's onto something. This entry has lifted my iron curtain. Thanks N. I love you. I am going to work on my paintings now.