Get the lead out

I had to throw away my lead crystals decanters 6 months ago. Why?

So glad you asked...Ad Girl and Fun Girl thought this was ginormously funny.

Six months ago, social moron and I had a bourbon drink one night, out of a decanter that I've used for years. I think it was just one drink, perhaps two. Or maybe it was that we ate chocolate m&ms from a lead crystal bowl. It doesn't matter - it was something like that.

The next day, he has a headache or some other malady that makes his mind wander. He begins to think he has lead poisoning from the bourbon. Hello! My cat's name is mittens! What does he do?

He turns to Wikipedia, and all hell breaks loose. He sends me links, says I need to throw away my lead crystal decanters - the one I keep candy in and the ones with liquor. (I had about 4...) Says he thinks he has lead poisoning, and we gotta stop using these things b/c Wikipedia says they are super dangerous.

Dangerous.

Yeah, dangerous in a Cary, NC, kind of way.

In an ooh I wore white after labor day kind of way.

Not dangerous in an, "I live with terrorism, open sewage and lions outside my door" dangerous.

Lead crystal bowls from Bloomingdale's are not danger, especially if they are holding chocolate. The amount of time candy and chocolate lasts in this house can be measured in milliseconds and minutes, not days, months or years. There is barely time for the liquor or m&ms to hit the crystal before the stuff is in my mouth...

The sad thing is that I thought nothing of his craziness. He said I was crazy for having these decanters in my house with a child around, and I said okay, dude, I'll throw 'em away.

(Yet it wasn't crazy for him to live in an old, old apt. where he had to sign a lead paint release form? This one didn't occur to me.)

He schedules a doctor's appointment. The doctor, somewhat unwillingly, says sure I'll give you a blood test for this. (This was the easiest $200 bucks that doctor made that year...no doubt that guy laughed all the way home that day.) He thought I should go to the doctor. (Uh, no. No. Really. I'll wait, heh heh, for your results to come back before I do anymore for this.)

The blood test, of course, does not come back with any, any indication of elevated lead levels. And my decanters were gone by then.

I didn't think anything of this story until the other evening, and we had a really good laugh about this one and another one I'll regale y'all with later this week. Party stories. Good time, good times.

The list of ridiculous things from he who should not be named

I actually have a guide to being dumped. Before you think that sounds pathetic, realize that it has sped up the process of me getting over Hags the Fag -old Hottie's new name- at what I would call a ridiculous pace. (That and my friends all acting as my own personal Dr. Fritz Fassbender...http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0059903/)

But I digress.

So I have followed the instructions in the book. First step is to cut off contact and most importantly, never ever contact him. Done and done. I've taken him out of my phone. I've blocked him from IM at work (we work at sister companies who still share an IM system but hopefully not for long) and from Yahoo! mail (bless you Yahoo! for easy functionality in this area.)

He still calls for stupid reasons, but he's the one doing it. I answer every tenth call or so. I think he's lame, and the more he calls for stupid reasons, the more unattractive and lame he gets.

So no calling. No getting drunk and calling. No texting. No getting drunk and texting. No stalking him on MySpace or Facebook or Friendster. All of my friends now get a ridiculous number of calls from me b/c instead of picking up the phone to call him, I call or text them.

I avoid places in Raleigh where he might be. No Glenwood South. It's cheesy as hell anyway and that's his stomping ground. He like 'em young and stupid. (One of the girls he dated has "Lifetime Movies" on her set of likes on MySpace. Who likes those? Who admits to that? Snooze. Have at it boy...they are all yours!) Fun girl and I have had some adventures in the past two weeks that involved places he would never go, mostly b/c he's just not cool enough to know about or get in.

And this has been good for me. The time away, with little to no contact, has put some things in perspective and made some random comments he's made come back to me, and I can now view him in a new, more realistic light. Mainly, I originally thought he was a prize but really, he's just one big cheeseball with good manners on the outside and a cruel, selfish streak on the inside. I guess I was slumming for the last 18 months.

Here's some stuff randomly listed, mostly for my own purpose (this blog is therapy too) and because the book advocates it actually WRITING IT DOWN so that it sinks in. So here goes:

• "Oh, you like Jennifer Hudson b/c no matter how big you get, she will always be bigger than you..." (Huh? Honestly...who says shit like this?)
• "I hope you don't think my friends look down on you..." (Said randomly on the way to a BBQ...I would hope his friends' wouldn't considering that I've accomplished more, earn more, and actually own my own home - unlike him)
• "My mother likes you more than she likes me, mostly b/c you are a girl." (What?? Paging Dr. Freud...)
• Taking me ring shopping, twice (once at North Hills and once at Crabtree) , then pulling back saying we weren't ready, that we needed more time, that I was doubting his commitment. (Yeah I doubted it for sure at that point - did he think doing this was going to make me feel better?)
• "Bartenders only like you b/c you have breasts..."(But the ridiculous over-tipping, respect and friendly conversation put forth has no influence whatsoever???)
• Telling me that I was wrong to put limits on the relationship by saying this summer was going to be do or die for me, that I wasn't going to waste my time with a man who was clearly not ready to commit. (So somehow I was wrong for saying that, but the limit he put on it by putting the engagement on hold was okay? Huh? Goose-gander!)
• "Don't worry about your weight. I have a sickness for da thickness."
• "Pillsbury Dough Girl" (Andohbytheway, I am a size 2...you jackass!)
• He couldn't commit to anything in his life and here's the list of examples with his "opinions" in parentheses:

1. Lasik surgery (Why do that now when my eyes will change in my late 40's? What do those doctor's know about the long term effects?)
2. Car (The Infiniti G series doesn't have all the attributes I want, and until it does I am going to drive my POS, anti-gold digger machine ahem Ford Contour with the loud fan and the crappy stereo)
3. House (Why buy a house when Raleigh is a really uncool place to live, full of boring, small minded people...I want to move to a city where I pay more for housing, and drive through more traffic, all so I can say I live in a big city and be cool. Also I like ignoring the advice that a home purchase has great tax advantages - what do finance/accountants/most of college-educated America know over me anyhow?)
4. Phone (Just not sure what I want and I am super happy keeping this Atlanta number so my dorky exes and my ugly, Brett Farve-loving fuck buddy can keep in touch with me)
5. Children (All I talk about is wanting to be a father but when faced with the decision, I just can't do it)
6. Job (Hate my current job at crappy Chinese computer company and drive people crazy with my moodiness and haugtiness but I am too much of a fraidy-cat to leave)

So, folks, he's a pussy. And here's the list of things that my friends and acquaintances, most who know him on his own, say about him:

• Pussy
• Ass wipe
• THAT guy...he's THAT guy. Who knew he lived in Raleigh???
• Dickwit
• Idiot
• Social Moron (my personal favorite, said by several)
• Emotionally vacant
• Sociopathic
• Bi-polar (our cleaning woman said this one...love it)
• Cruel
• Cad
• Hags the Fag (because of his sexist viewpoint and blatant hero-worshipping of his male friends)

Ahhh I feel better already, don't you, dear readers? Catharsis. Evacuation of poison. It's all good.