New Ruse of the Week

New email, sent to a personal email address I didn't think he knew, saying that he was emailing at this account b/c he thought I had blocked him from my IBM account, and thanks for not blocking him from Linked In and that someone he works with needs a technical recruiter.

I wouldn't help that balding douchebag fuckwit cross the fucking street. What makes him think I would help him or anyone he "knows" with names?

What makes him think that what he did would make this okay? He certainly didn't help me when I needed it. His audacity slays me.

He looks like Snape....

that keyboardist does. That's why I like him...oh well. At least I am consistent.

Joe Elliot likes to swing...

his hair around on stage.

Impossible Odds

Tommy Shaw singing Blue Collar Man - first song of the set.

He had me at the eye makeup or Pour Some Sugar on Me Redux

My date with D ended at 11:30, and this time the kiss was much, much better. He is still obsessed with my boobs, but I'm willing to overlook this to see where it goes. It strikes me as just him being a geek. We'll see what happens with this one - he's off to Cabo on vacay in two days...

But on to the good stuff. The concert. It's been awhile since I had front row seats to a big show. The last one was probably either B52's (that was second row, but close enough...) or Billy Idol (which was, most definitely, first row with Hospital Diva. ) But I digress.

Foreigner opened - and they played all the old stuff, none of the 80's soft rock shit. We were right/center - there being a platform that the performers could walk on to the left of us. The first interesting moment came when the new singer of Foreigner - not Lou Gramm but a guy much sexier and good looking in the vein of Steven Tyler - sang right at me during Dirty White Boy. Nice. Nice moment. I love front row. Then, much to my date's delight, the guitarist who is also the sax player on Urgent, was playing right in front of me, winked at me then gave the thumbs up sign to my date. The bassist (a guy named Bilson who was in both Dokken and Dio (I love Dio)) turned and shook his head affirmatively at him and then at us. D loved it! So did I - how could I not?! They played to us most of the show. And....the drummer winked at me several times - loved that as it was Jason Bonham (he with the famous Led Zeppelin dad and all.) I even got some Mick Jones action...he came from stage right over to our area and showed me some love. Whoohooo! I love the front row! I've got high hopes.

Styx was next. I have to admit, I've not been a fan. In fact, I was thinking of trying to skip out on this set entirely and go in search of a cigarette to bum. However, I did not, and was glad I stayed. Tommy Shaw was in front of us most of the show, and he was amazing. However, that was not the big thing for me about Styx.

You guys know I don't like older men, but...the keyboardist, Lawrence Gowan, oh my god. He was just straight out of the 80's, all dark longish spiky hair and lots of makeup. He's got a great ass, which you can clearly see through his tight pants. Wearing some black outfit that was just so Simon Le Bon from that New Romantics era. He was a strange mixture of Simon Le Bon, Joe Elliot and Bill Murray (there you go Ad Girl) wrapped into one. Damn, he's probably gay, but whatever. I like that type. He had me at the eye makeup. I'll overlook the mullet. Here's a link to a photo someone took of him on tour.

http://entertainment.webshots.com/photo/2130193340045984108BmTdFj?vhost=entertainment

I notice him right away. He's on the other side of the stage. He's theatrical (there you go, probably gay, but I digress) and I'm waiting for him to notice me. Will he? Hello! I'm right here! First song, Wanted Man, nope. I'm sending telepathic messages. Plus I have fantastic cleavage going, seems to help the telepathy a bit with men. Then during the second song, he makes eye contact, and watches me for awhile. I've got him. Damn - this shit works! How do I know? He glances over a lot. And then, during a song that I don't recognize, sung by James Young, where the keyboards apparently aren't needed, he comes over to our side of the stage. He's playing to the crowd to the right of me, then points right at me and says "You!" I point right back and say, "No, you!" Big smile. A wink. Damn! I love the front row. I'm so digging this man.

His big number is Come Sail Away (a song I still hate, but with him singing, I'll listen oh so attentively) and I get some more love when he's at center stage. They sing a few more songs, then leave but its obvious they need to do one more song. They come back out with Styx paraphenalia (beach balls, bags) and Gowan throws his stuff out there into the crowd, except for the last bag, which he walked over to me. NICE. Another wink. Love this man. They do the last song -I think it was Renegade (I am not a Styx fan) and exit the stage. He waves and I blow a kiss.

So am I gonna get some eye contact with Joe Elliot. Am I? I am so ready at this point.

The Lepps come out, and its all shiny and videos with Rocket. Phil Collen is RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. He's been described by someone who has actually met him as a wee little man, but wow is this guy in shape. Holy shit. His shirt was off most of the concert and rightfully so. I have the pics, and they will be posted on MySpace posthaste. On to Joe Elliot. Well...

Joe has...ummm

Joe has gained some weight. But I'm still diggin him. I can't help it. Man, he's got great eyes. And still has great hair. He might be the only man alive who I would rather see in a mullet, although I was clearly digging that guy from Styx and he's kind of got a mullet. Anyway. He's not nearly as good as the other guys at making eye contact with the front row, but he's got a camera on him some of the time and he needs to be looking right into it.

I surprisingly get a lot of attention from the drummer. Sweet! Lots of smiles. A wink. God I love the front row. Thank god for cleavage.

I do get two moments of eye contact with Joe. The first is during Foolin, and its a really nice 5 seconds of him singing a verse right to me. Oh thank you lord. Thankyou thankyou thankyou! D was like, don't distract him, he's going to mess up! Oh pulease...

Photograph, as usual, was my favorite song of theirs, live or recorded. Amazing. Amazing. There's just so much of me and my history wrapped up in that song - hearing it first in Kentucky, watching Def Leppard videos with attorney girl, listening to it in college, playing on random jukeboxes, dancing to that song even today with my iPod.

During Pour Some Sugar on me, the cameras spent some time on the audience a few times. Guess who was the big winner, and got herself up on all those video screens (all four of them - two on stage and two on each side of the stage)?? Guess? Guess! Who's the big winner? That's right, I sang/lip synched an entire chorus of that song on the big screen. I did not watch myself as I was too busy staring into the camera guy directly in front of me, but D said it was amazing and that anyone who knew me at the concert would definitely know it was me and my boobs up there on those screens. I only wish Fun Girl had seen it, because she would be laughing her ass off at me.

One more Joe moment, during Rock of Ages, I got some eye contact. Nice. Nice way to end it all. They left the stage, and the drummer gave me a sweet wave.

I love the front row. I fucking love the front row. Tonite was total success. I had the most amazing time.

And I am seriously thinking of traveling to see Styx...

Sunday, from ex mother in laws to Nickelback, the hits keep comin'

Sunday morning.

I had to go pick up mini me and he grandmother (my ex mother in law) at 10 am. This was not the original plan. This was not supposed to happen til around 4. But plans change, kids need to go back to DC, and I am left entertaining and hosting my ex mother in law for a full 24 hours.

I wasn't particularly close to this woman when I was married to her son, and now? Well, she is mini-me's grandmother, and they get to spend another day together, and all I need to do is let her stay here and bring her to the airport on Monday morning. It was okay, just not what I had wanted my Sunday to be.

Sunday night, however, was full of surprises. I took mini-me, begrudgingly, to Nickelback with Harley Girl and her own mini-her. It was my mini-me's first concert, and it was a doozy. I saw:

• A lot of people. None of whom I knew. Did not run into a single person I knew. Odd for me, but maybe not, considering the crowd.
• The crowd. The crowd. There was a not so diverse crowd. Most people were aged 18-25, and particularly cheesy. Pretty white. The 24 year old version of me would never have been at this concert, for sure.
• A lot of rednecks. Lots of people from Fayetteville and Garner, knowhutimean?
• A weird guy with yacht hair and khakis. Clearly he had lost his way and thought he was coming to see DMB.
• A girl wearing a shirt that said "Little Miss Trouble." I clearly got the trouble part. However, there was nothing little about her and clearly she had not missed any meals in the last 20 years.
• Lots of tits. Lots of girls flashing the camera, just before and during Nickelback's set. Wow. I told the girls, "Don't be that girl when you are older..." They won't listen I bet, but I least I did my job and warned them not to.
• Girls, about 15, smoking in the bathroom. It bothered me a bit. Someone had to give them those cigarettes....

So now comes the funny part. I took mini me to this, but really don't like the songs too much with the exception for "I know who you are" (I like your pants around your feet, I like the dirt that's on your knees...) The concert started, and I looked over, and there's my mini-me, wearing her black t-shirt, hands in the air, screaming, looking like she has been going to concerts her whole life. Ahhh this is good. I'm gonna remember this. She's never gonna forget it.

I loved the concert.

I did.

Really.

They were good. They sounded good. They played well. There was pyrotechnics, fire, sing along parts, lots of good conversation with the crowd ( and more than "we love you Raleigh") and the songs were just FUN. They covered Elton John's Saturday Night. They did my two favorite songs at the end. The live version of Someday gave me chills up my neck, with the crowd singing along. I was right there with them. I jumped in and the water was just fine. I sang every word to that song Someday, and it was a weird sort of therapy for me, thinking back on both situations with D the fiancee and the Social Moron while singing the words. It was a song that was popular when the fiancee and I broke up, but it played out more to the situation with he who should not be named. I think, in the end, that singing some of these song lines just ended up being a sort of meditation to the universe for me, the music was loud, it was dark, it was crowded, I was dancing. Everyone around was singing as loud as they could. Everything just was really, really good at those moments. I didn't want to be anywhere else. The best moments:

• How the hell did we wind up like this?
• You're the only one who knows that...
• If everyone loved, and nobody lied...
• Show me what its like to be the last one standing...
• I hate that places that we go, I hate the people that you know...

I would say there were 6 songs - all of them the big radio hits - that were really, really amazing to hear. Just to sing along with mini-me and mini-harley, just to sing out in general.

Photograph was not one of them. I still fucking hate that song.

The lead singer really knows how to drop an f-bomb. Wow did the girls get an earful. I know my coolness meter has now dropped to an all time low, but I clearly don't give a fuck. I loved that show. Live music gets me. They were LOUD. I think I'm a fan now. How could I not be?

Mini-me's take on the way home?

"God mom, that was just awesome."

Saturday Night's All Right All Right All Right Woooo

Who was it?

It was Punk Boy, who had never been to Federal before. Sitting there, saying hi to us and laughing. I grab his hand, squeeze it, and say - weird. He laughs. We keep moving on, and walk into the bar.

Once inside and behind the door, all three of us face each other, and no one says a thing for about 5 seconds.

Then N says, Wow. You had just finished that sentence when he said hi to us.

T says, yeah. I know. The universe is fucking with us. Fucking with you (turning to me) specifically.

Then they both look at me and say, You need a drink, and fast.

So we get a drink. The only table available is that table in the front, the one in front of the GIANT window to the patio, that same table where I got set up on a date with Social Moron almost two years ago. We sit there, but I put my back to the window, as he is sitting just outside.

N says, who the hell is he with? It's an older woman, a blond, a guy, somebody else.

I say, Oh! That's his mom, his sister, her boyfriend. He said they were coming. You know, he's never been to Federal...this isn't his place or anything. We told him last Saturday night now much we love this place...

N, gotta love his humour, says: Wow. And here you come, walking up that sidewalk like you do, all tight jeans, high heels and Miller High Life t-shirt that just screams "classy" with a guy on each side of you. And after you walk by, he gets to tell his mom, that that girl, that girl in the miller high life t-shirt who is out with two men, that's the girl I went on a few dates with. Ha!

I laughed my ass off at that. The Punk Boy entourage left within 30 minutes. We however, stayed and drank and ate - they were playing a weird but beautiful mix of Peter Murphy, The Smiths, The Sundays, New Order.

Moved on to Green Room. Played some pool, and owned the jukebox for an hour. Pulp Fiction, Neil Diamond.

We dropped T off, then headed to Alibi for a drink. It was like we couldn't stand to be outside of Raleigh, for fear of missing something. Silly, but we both felt it. Went to JP! for last call, weird crowd there, few that we knew.

The night ended when the ugly lights came on and it was past last call for alcohol, and we went our separate ways to catch up on sleep.

S-a-tur-day night. From T's mouth to God's ears in a nanosecond

Saturday during the day was bizzzzeeee.

Hung out with my friend P as she cleaned my house. I love that woman. So fun.

Then drove mini-me's friend, the one who will never be alone as she has "the list", up to Kerr Lake for the party. I stayed at the party for four hours, hanging out with my ex, his mother, his wife, a few old friends, and a new friend who is now engaged to one of those old friends. Weird mix of people, weird to be hanging out at my ex's house and spending a few hours talking with his wife, but I made the best of it and mini-me SO LOVED me being there, having both her parents in one place for awhile. You could tell she was digging it, and that made me dig it too.

I headed back down to Raleigh around 5:30, and got a ton of messages when I got service back just north of Oxford. Fun girl. N and T, making plans for that night. Double Down called and said he needed to talk. (It turned out that he wanted to ask Fun Girl out. I told him to give it time. In reality, she's never gonna go out with him. He's a musician, and the new rule is: You can have a harmonica, nothing more. Anything else, and we're outta there.)

So I go home quickly take a bath and get myself decent. Put on my oh so slutty Miller High Life the champagne of beers tight shirt and jeans and high heels and head to T's house for cocktail hour. We drink there for awhile, realize that some people have dropped out and its just the three of us for the night, and decide to head to Durham, as we have worn out Raleigh. Worn it out.

We drive. Park off Main, and start walking to Federal. T, at that point on the sidewalk, says:

We should be pretty safe here from drama for all us. Hopefully Slutty won't be here, but at least the two of you are pretty safe from running into anyone here.

Famous last words...just as those words left his mouth, who do we see sitting right there, saying hi to us, from the Federal patio?

Thank god it was Friday

The weekend was non stop, full of highs and lows, and I had no time, no time to write. I'll start with Friday.

Friday night began with texts. My friend J sent me a text while I was still working that said:

Oooh the good looking lifeguard is here at the pool. I'm taking the afternoon off...

Oh I wish I could. I was in work hell at that moment.

Then, I took a quick break when my ex hubby and his mom came by to pick up mini-me. Nothing notable there, but I would rather have been at the pool. While they were here, I got two texts from Fun Girl:

Rally the troops!

Dooood. Is it 8:00 yet?

I headed downtown at 7:30 in one of my best little black dresses. Met J, J, Fun Girl for apps at Nana's. N and T showed up an hour later, as did some of Fun Girl's extended family. Lots of drinks. Gossip. Discussed whack a mole social moron a bit, lots of laughs there. Then the discussion of where to move on to...

Let's do Ess...nope can't do that, so and so might be there. Let's do Mosquito...nope, the ex is definitely there tonite. Glenwood South area? Nope, social moron potential. And too cheesy anyway. That one is definitely out. Slim's outside? Nope, former fella of dreams might be there. Gotta avoid that one for a few weeks. Okay, let's do Alibi. Nope, too emo on Friday nights. Okay...White Collar? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Going once...going twice.

No one had a reason for not going there. So we went.(This is a small town. You can see we have limited choices when you try to avoid exes.)

So we went. And it was, well...it just was. Not great. Nothing happening. We were bored. I think maybe we needed some drama.

We proceeded to JP!, as everyone thought that was the least prickly of situations to be in, and I had an entourage anyways. "C'mon. You're gonna have to go there at some point. Get the first yucky night out of the way."

I asked N to be my wing man all night - take one for the team as Fun Girl was yours last week there- and he said, I won't leave your side unless you want me to.

So we walk in. And yeah, its just like it always is. Yeah, there is Punk Boy with Double Down on that side of the bar. I'm getting some looks from that direction. L comes running up to talk to me...told her I was going to avoid that side of the bar for awhile, need some space. She was like, yeah that's a weird situation, eh? So we order drinks and proceed to go into the room o'pool and plop down on the benches.

And it was fun. Shots being bought. Hanging out with T. Fun Girl is buzzing all over the place in there. Good times. 15 minutes pass. Then Double Down comes over. Beeline straight for me.

You need to come hang out on the other side. Come over with us.

I responded:

Nooo. I'm giving that some space. I'm not mad, just hurt a bit. I don't need to be hanging around Punk Boy when I've been drinking like this.

He was like, why do you feel weird. You ended it, didn't you?

Uh, no. Dude. He didn't want to have sex with me. I surely did with him.

Blah blah blah. He left. The rest of us proceeded to continue playing pool, drinking, flirting. You get the picture. I'm doing fine. I'm having a ball. We're all crowded around each other on that bench near the windows. Then Fall Girl (remember her) brings in Punk Boy - dragging him in.

Everyone sitting around me FLIES off of that bench and runs for the corner, the other pool table, the bathroom. There I am on the bench, alone, with all my friends looking on and Punk Boy sits down. He's clearly intoxicated.

I congratulated him on the letter to the editor to start if off on a good note. And then I was like, you really didn't have to come over here, sorry she dragged you over. He said, no, its no big deal, its a bar we both come to. I said, yeah, look I'm not mad, just giving myself a bit of space. I really liked you, last Saturday night was a bit confusing, just don't want to confuse things any further for myself. But thanks for coming over...blah blah small talk and he leaves.

Yeah, then everyone flies back to the bench, like magnets. And they all look at me and say:

God, that was awkward.

I say nah. I'm okay. Got it out of the way! I've got you guys here.

After some time, the group gets me on the dance floor, which I wasn't ready for but I did anyway. Thank god that N and I can still dance with each other and have fun, even as friends, because it was good to have that with Punk Boy right behind me on the dance floor. Fun Girl said he was standing right behind me, and he was watching. And he was getting himself beers, and he was watching. But honestly, I was in a mode where I just had to concentrate on dancing to operate somewhat with the appearance of sobriety. I couldn't be looking around.

We had a late night at N's house. And I slept, on the floor, with N, in my party dress, like brother and sister btw. We both had a good laugh when we woke up in the morning like that - jesus, how old are we he said.

Another walk of shame, with nothing to be shameful of except how it all appeared, Saturday morning.

Well done, Punk Boy

Punk boy got published today in the N&O - a letter to the editor on the subject of faith.

I sent him a congratulatory email. Fun Girl thought that was the right thing to do.

Guess this gives away who he is...I removed the link though.

My hooha was sitting on that?!

Say it ain't so, Jenna!

Jenna J is not only giving up porn, she had her implants removed! The world is a sadder place today...

Big shout out to Homey out there in Denver/San Diego. I loved talking to you last night. (Thanks for asking about Punk Boy. All that's on hiatus, possibly permanently but never say never.) But girl, you gotta ditch that Michael Buble quoting, ex-wife missing dick. Seriously. There are other men out there who are great in bed. Trust me. It just takes one good encounter to squash the dickwit inside of you. I don't even think of he who should not be named in that way anymore, even though he was a fucking volcano in bed.

I have to say, you gave some amazing quotes last night. I am seriously considering making my next profession bed and breakfast proprietor - if only for this:

"I'm gonna go run this b&b. It's got 10 rooms, and with that, the chances of me getting laid once a week in that place are very, very good."

I love that philosophy. Yeah, hotel management, here I come! We should open one together with 20 rooms...increase the odds for both of us.

After we got off the phone with you, we discussed the fact that Japan is the perfect place for assholes. He who should not be named is there right now. (Rock Star's man Vegas said that would be the reason why there was no ruse of the week. He's in Asia, and he's all out of ruses.) They probably wouldn't let your guy in if he tried to travel to Japan right now:

"No, so sorry. We have our quota of assholes at the moment. We have a big one here in Yamato. No more lying bastards toting red bull and wearing striped shirts...We really don't care if you have a big dick."

And thanks to Rock Star and entourage for coming over for Pimms and wearing striped shirts. It was loud! We fucking rocked! You left your red bull! Text Me! This town sucks! I'm getting a gyro! Look at my chest hair!

And, finally, Fun Girl. We missed you last night. Go A-team!

The Def Leppard guy, D, left this instant message on my screen last night regarding the concert on Monday night:

Ticketmaster called.

Said I couldn't take that wild chick I brought last time...

(blushing smiley face icon here)

Your Latest Trick

I have a 9th and 10th grade bf that I think about from time to time...

And, as of late, as in all periods of, ahem, reflection in my life, I have been thinking of him more often. Especially since the short conversation, two weeks ago, with Attorney Girl, who pointed out that said BF's name is an almost exact replica of Social Moron's name - same first, and almost same sounding last - right down to number of syllables and ending. And she pointed out that they both look similiar. And they are both very very preppy and almost WASPy. (New Caanan in the house!) The old BF in that, I played hockey and attended boarding school, staight outta Love Story way. And Social Moron with the one accomplishment in his life -Ivy League college.

But I digress. For a reason.

After this thinking, this putting it out there to the universe, I got an email the other day on Linked In. You can imagine my suprise when my inbox said (insert his real name here) wants to connect on Linked In. I clicked on the email. It was not the canned request I so often get. He had customized it:

Hi (insert my name here)!
Look at us now, going from teenage love notes to connecting on Linked In. How far we have come! Hope you are well. I think of you often.

So I accepted the invite to connect. And I wrote him back.

Hi (insert the usual)!
Indeed! I am well, still here in NC. Hope you are well too! Let me know if you are ever in town and we can grab coffee or a drink and catch up after all this time. I think of you often as well....

And I sent it.

And I waited. I am PMSing, so the wait became ridiculous. Nothing that day. Nothing yesterday. I checked email so many times. I was OCD about it. I was jonesing about it last night. Listening to old songs - the title of this post is big one from that time -and just obsessing.

And then, I go to check my email today. And as the inbox is opening up, I'm muttering to myself: damnit. write me. this is ridiculous. you send me this note. you get me all hot. then nothing? what is this. damn you.

And there was the note. I'll cut and paste it as I have it framed on my desk already. Just kidding. Really.

Hey (you guys know who I am),
I plan to be in the RDU area after labor day weekend. Are you in-town? I'd like to plan my trip to ensure that we'll be able to see one-another so let me know what yoiur schedule is.

I hope all is well with you and look forward to seeing you.

Love,
(his real name)

Well. My little present for today. More inspiration to look my best. Two weeks to go.

PS- Attorney girl predicts he hasn't aged well. We'll do a poll next week to see how everyone here feels it will go.

This is why I like the Nats

The O's lost last night...to the Texas Rangers...by a whopping 27 runs. 27!

30-3.

That is a football score. It's hard to be a Baltimore fan on a day like today.

This is why, although I grew up an O's fan in the 80's (Cal, Eddie Murray and such) I have abandoned them for the Nats. There is baseball in DC again, finally, and they have such a great name.

We're two tiny people in this video for 2-3 seconds

You Tube video shot by the foreigner/styx crew on last night's rain out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OO3voY4--F4

I can see us, both wearing black, at second 12/13/14 in the front row. You won't be able to see us though. This is pretty grainy. To the left of the red blob. You can just feel my disappointment at not seeing Joe Elliot...


Andohbytheway, it has been rescheduled. And yes, he called to ask me again. And yes, that Joe Elliot fantasy thing I got going is alive and well.

Pimm's and striped shirts/blouses tomorrow at 6:30

My house.

Pimm's. Cigarettes. Gossip. Back patio at mi casa. By then I should have tons of tomatoes to serve as well.

I am shocked, shocked further by my potty mouth

He writes:

I had a great time. I got an email stating there is likely to be a reschedule.

Did I set a precedent in getting you wet so early in the evening?

So I responded:

Indeed. You have set a precedent. Well played, insert real name here, well played. The game's afoot.

Who knew a rainstorm and subsequent wet t-shirt and ass (it was a black t-shirt, thankyouverymuch potty minds) would be so much fun.

26 views today of my MySpace profile by noon. Who are these people that are looking at it? It's set to private. It's not strangers or randoms....

On another funny note.

I have a neighbor who brought me tomatoes. Now, I love me some tomatoes. Sometimes mini me and I will make an entire meal out of tomatoes, cutting up 3-4 and just eating the slices for dinner with a bit of salt, sugar and pepper on them. So I really liked getting these tomatoes.

He came over and gave them to me and said, "We've never met. Just wanted to say hi and wonder if you would like some fresh vegetables from my garden."

(I was on the cell phone at the time, in my garage, talking to Attorney Girl. I said a quick thanks so much.)

So the next morning - yesterday - I am walking back from the bus stop. Unshowered. Undeodorized. Hair unkempt. You get the pic. And I see him outside - and say, "Hey! We enjoyed those tomatoes! Thanks again!"

And I continue on to my house.

By the time I reach my driveway, he's pulling up in his car. And he says:

Are you a married woman?

Huh? Really! That's the best you got?! That is your opening line?! I know he's gonna ask me out, and he does. I tell him I'm really busy in the next few weeks. Read that as code for, no I am not going out with you, late forties neighbor guy who I have already forgotten the name of, you with your 1978 San Francisco gay man mustache, no I am not going out with you.

He showed up, today at noon, with more tomatoes. This game apparently is afoot too. He's not on the list.

Shocked, shocked at the things I write

I left the date from last night a quick thank you on his MySpace account:

Thanks for all the fun last night. I've never been so wet so early into a second date....

HAHAHAHAHA. I wonder if he liked it?

Just got a reply. Let's see what it says....

Love Bites and so do thunderstorms

http://www.defleppard.com/news/news_item.asp?item=221

I am too lazy to share the details, but the show was cancelled. Our seats were soaking wet too. The roof was partially blown off and the stage, the equipment, and the first five rows were under water. I don't know what Joe Elliot was doing last night, but it wasn't me.

That being said, those seats we had COULD NOT have been better located. Front row, center. And they were over, well over, $300 a piece. That with the VIP pass might make this the most expensive second date I have ever been on.

If the show is rescheduled, he's promised a re-do on our date as well.

We made the best of it. People watched. Drank a big, big beer. Talked a lot while stuck in traffic. (Ohh the car is indeed so much better than that Ford Contour I was so familiar with...) Went to the Saucer for a drinky drink. He showed me is plate on the ceiling - #258 I think, and I didn't have the heart to tell him I had serious history/friendship with #2. Moved on to The Borough. Punk Boy was already running through my head at that point, so it didn't help seeing his old roommate/guy who talks low and works at Rockford sitting at the bar.

There was a kiss goodnight. A little too eager. He can be taught though. There's potential here, he's on the list, in spite of his ridiculous pre-occupation with my boobs. (Only I can be that preoccupied with them...its unhealthy if he is.)

Muchas gracias, Fun Girl, for the time spent with mini-me. You're a doll. And you'll be a great mom some day. Bless your heart, thinking I would be mad b/c you didn't serve vegetables. I'm not a mom that sweats that kind of shit. She gets her veggies when she can, and when she doesn't, she doesn't. It all evens out. Some days have to be about the Hot Pockets and brownies.

PS he's still a dick. Even today. He's a dick. Just keep saying that.

More later, gotta work...

This is what's he up to, when he's not chronically masturbating

Is this night at the Roxbury or is that social moron there in the front seat?

Yes, yes it is social moron, as they are clearly driving a Ford Contour.

This is part of my fantasy of what he's doing now. The other part is said fantasy is that he's torturing some poor 28 year old in the same way he did me, but she's laughing at his bald spot, his avid masturbatory activities, and his pear shaped hips both in front and behind his back.

Oh Karma! She is one sick woman.


Shout out to RS2/Hotness- who ends her international assignment this Friday and heads back home posthaste:

I've got Pimms and cigarettes waiting for you, dear, you've been missed!

And to Fun Girl, should she ever read or post to this again, a shout out of the following items:

• Yes, he's a dick. No getting around it. He's just a dick. Yeah, I said it. Out loud and in writing. There's no going back now.
• Yes, he and Social Moron attended the same asshole school where they excelled in such classes as:

1. Naked Male Insecurity 101
2. Bring Out Your Inner Control Freak
3. Psychological Abuse on Pretty Girls
4. Blame You/Don't Blame Me
5. Becoming the Pussy You Are
6. Passing the Check/Bill
7. Isolate Your Girlfriend Before She Realizes You Are A Loser
8. It's not Herpes, its a Zit! or How to lie about anything!

• Yes, I do think it might be funny to get his rock star, hillbilly ass beat up in front of his guitar chick woman friends in an alley in Chapel Hill. I believe I know an entire posse of women here who read this blog who would be willing to pay to see that shit. They might pay to participate. He's a long drink a water, but I think all 6 of us could take him. After all, he's also a pussy. And we know how much you like to watch...
• Yes, we will deny we ever knew either of them should anyone ask. I'm gonna pretend the last 17 months just did not happen, and if people ask what I've been up to, I'll respond: coma

I'm off tonite with one goal and one goal only: Joe Elliot is gonna make eye contact with me. Or at the very least, cleavage contact.

Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels...

Kiki- could that song in the comments section be any more perfect? Seriously. Stop being so pithy and funny.

Talked to Attorney Girl last night about what's been going on. She hasn't been reading the blog, what with being so busy being pregnant and eating all that watermelon, so she had not really been aware of the happenings of late.

She told me a story about a neighbor of her that she "dated" (loose term) when she first moved into her swanky townhouse in FLA. He was cute, rich, drove two nice cars, and the piece de resistance, he was British with the full accent! ("You know how those accents get us...") She felt at the time he was clearly out of her league, but she kept seeing him anyway. How did she get through?

With the help of LOTS of bourbon. Thank you, Makers Mark!

She told me she had to be drunk to be around him. It was the only way it worked. The liquor drowned out the insecurities and the nervousness. Sounds familiar- huh? Eventually, she was just drinking too much bourbon and had to move on for the sake of her liver.

Anyway, she said this is all for the best. She said to disappear for a couple of weeks. Make him wonder. Then, one night, out of the blue, when you are looking fantastic (hint: 5-7lbs lighter) and you are way overdressed, you and the posse of girls need to stop in for just ONE drink. Stop in at midnight. Leave before one - as if you have somewhere else to be. Say hi, be friendly but not obsequious. She thinks a cat and mouse game will ensue, and he might just be an interesting hook up but never anything more, and we'll both like it better that way. And she also said, DOOOOD, you are a Sagittarius just like me, you love the chase, the "I'm on the hunt I'm after you" atmosphere, the looks across the bar, the not knowing, the pursuit, the pull back, the what's he gonna do, the what am I gonna do, the "omigod they are playing that song now and its a sign" nights. In the end, you will love this more.

Or you might meet someone else in the next few weeks and not think of Punk Boy ever again...

Either way - good time, good times. And she is oh so right.

So Fun Girl and I are going into the Lean Cuisine, take some Alli, nothing tastes as good as being thin mode. She's got appearances to keep up, confidence to get back, and a shit for brains asshole to get over and rise above. She's on her way, as some anger finally, finally took hold last night. YAY!

And I'm gonna wear that black dress again- that one from 12 years ago- and look better in it now that I ever did in the 90's. That's my goal. And I am 5-7 pounds away. Not much farther to go.


Ad Girl, meanwhile, is living her perfect life and laughing her ass off at us!

Okay so here's the new song I'm gonna put 3 times on a mix CD

The Way I Are - Timbaland. It's on iTunes. So very catchy, and somewhat apropos. I can't get it out of my head. I changed it to my MySpace song. I'm gonna put in 3 times on the next mix cd I make for all of you! I'll request it from every DJ we run into in the next two weeks. I'm gonna drive y'all nuts with this one.

Timbaland Sings:

I ain't got no money

I ain't got no car to take you on a date

I can't even buy you flowers

But together we could be the perfect soulmates

Talk to me girl

Keri Hilson Sings:

(Oh) Baby, it's alright now, you ain't gotta flaunt for me

If we go and touch you can still touch my love, it's free

We can work without the perks just you and me

thug it out 'til we get it right

You can check out the video here: http://www.timbalandmusic.com/

I'm doing okay- I know Ad Girl and Fun Girl are just as confused as I am. Who saw this coming? No one...

Back to work...

Bewildered and bothered....

So, where to start.

I had my "date" on Saturday night. And by date, it was me, Punk Boy, Ad Girl, Fun Girl, and other guest stars. N and his entourage showed up halfway into dinner.

Strange, strange mix of people.

I was trying to keep it casual. Since the conversation last week, I figured I would let him sort of drive the way the night was going to go.

And it went by way of drinking quite a bit (on his part), lots of PDA (on his part), and both of us seeming to have fun. (I say "seeming" on purpose. In the end, it turned all to confusing shit.) Here's what the fun included:

Dinner at Times. Lots of fun conversation and flirting all over that table as people arrived and stopped by. Giggles at the "Make me look like a high priced whore" comment. Nose spray on Fun Girl from N. Surrender Monkey making Ad Girl surrender her sobriety unexpectedly. Drinks and the jukebox coup at Alibi. Drinks bought for Ad Girl by N at Alibi, accompanied by drunk mutterings- just like old times! Unlce Big Bad coming to Ad Girl's rescue from the surreal night of surprise drinking. Last call stop at JP! Lots of PDA there, driving me crazy with his hands down my back, on my ass, you get the picture. I've been there before and liked it this time too. Drama with Fun Girl and N and N's oh so recent ex showing up. A kiss on the pseudo dancefloor. Nothing but promise...

Later, back at the condo...

Making out. Kissing. Him being really, really drunk. I've been in this situation before too. I asked him straight out - are you avoiding having real sex with me by getting absolutely, totally shitfaced every time we're together.

Damn if the answer wasn't "yes" accompanied by an explanation of how sex is impersonal for him, and that he knows me, and he really likes me, and he's a bit intimdated, so he can't have sex with me. He likes his sex to be impersonal - he doesn't like to really know or perhaps even like the person he's doing it with.

I asked what we should do about this? Should we go back to being just friends? Should I wear a wig and pretend to be someone else?

Damn if the answer wasn't "yes." Not to the wig comment, but to the friends thing.

There was a lot more to that conversation that I won't repost here. I was and am terribly, terribly disappointed. A little bit confused, especially in light of the behaviour in the hours leading up to it. Told my board of advisors about it, and as they were there for much of the evening, they were confused a bit too.

I spent the day with my friend J and her daughter at their pool. Ending up drinking beer all afternoon, then going to one of her friend's house for dinner and wine til almost 9. So much fun!!! Had a quick confirmation discussion via phone with Punk Boy (nothing had changed...he still thought we needed to be friends and that's it) and after that the disappointment really sunk in.

This is his intimacy problem, not mine. Has very little to actually do with me. My plan is to avoid the JP for awhile, (awhile being a few weeks) and as such, avoid Punk Boy, til the awkwardness of this has passed and we can go back to just being buddies who occasionally do shots together.

I do have front row tickets and a date with what seems like a really cool guy for Def Leppard tomorrow night.

He signed the email he sent to me today

xxoo

And I just about melted. Am I dumb as shit or what?

Ticket to ride

Out with the girls last night to Tavern at Second Empire. I don't like that place nearly as much as I used to.

There was five of us. A woman who I used to work with, who I went out to dinner with two days ago, another "mom" friend (she came over for drinks last week), Ad Girl, and a friend of the first woman I mentioned.

The funniest part of the evening came when the "friend"started telling stories about how she knows Ticket. Remember him? Check back to the earliest posts - the one about the limo ride to Waffle House - if you need to be refreshed. He's now married, but apparently as much of a player as ever. Doing all the same things he was doing 18 months ago - constant pinging, asking to go have drinks at 10:30 in the morning (she calls him salt lick b/c he must always be thirsty) and just being persistent.

What was funny was that she didn't seem all that amused by the fact that I told her stories of him doing this same exact shit back in the day. In fact, she seemed to be let down a bit. Oh well.

Got a text from N saying they were at the Times. By the time we were finished eating, he was home. Have no idea what's going on with him. I would imagine he is still in relationship limbo.

Somehow, on purpose or on accident, we got separated from them as we were leaving. Fine with me...

Ad Girl and I went farther downtown and drank a bit on Blount Street. I got my free bourbon from my bartender friend at one place, then we went next door to hang out for awhile. While nothing earth shattering happened, we did have a good albeit low-key time.

I did not run into Punk Boy, but ran into people who know him.

Tonite -High School Musical 2 sleepover for mini-me. The fun never ends.

It's Morton salt time

What a day man!

I got a call today, out of the blue, from my writer friend in NYC. The guy I met down in Disney in the fall. (He's since been promoted to Publication Director, but he still writes, so...)

Anyway, he was out in Vegas for a weekend bachelor party, and was sitting at the bar, waiting for his friends, ordering a bourbon, and said after the first sip, he just had to call.

(Remember when he who should not be named wouldn't call me from that bachelor party he was attending??? Yeah...I know.)

So he calls to discuss coming to NYC. Says he can get the hook up for me and my friends at the Waverly Inn (all you US/People mag readers should know that one) or several other places where he has connections. Says he's willing to call in favors to show us a good time. Us, meaning me and my entourage of friends. Not JUST ME. My friends too. What a sweetheart.

I never even slept with him. We just made out and did an awful lot of talking. Oh some dancing too. But I digress.

He sounded great. Happy. He's got an incredible voice. He's angling to get a piece published in NY Magazine. Nice!

I gave him my advice on making the most of the glittering and seedy underbelly that is Vegas, as I've done that trip one too many times, and we left it that he would come back with a call next week that involved stories of what he had seen, done, and heard.

I think, even though he's out of town, he's just made the list...

Have I a doubt, baby, when I'm alone

I took matters into my own hands.

L proposed karaoke in a private room on Capital for Sat night. Said she did it recently with a group and it was a blast. She said she would get it together...but these might be drunk plans. Sounds fun - right? You guys know how lame I am about karaoke. But I thought this gives me the perfect opportunity to send out a message to he who keeps running through my mind.

So I told Punk Boy about it via email and he's in - whether we do karaoke or something else.

I have my Saturday night set on Thursday afternoon. Couldn't leave things to chance.

Also, D confirmed for Def Leppard. Front row! Joe Elliot! Cute date! Nice!

Things just keep coming together. Why is that? I'm overwhelmed!

And the second part of this - for Ad Girl

Okay -for your perusing. MySpace is calling out to you, Ad Girl.

42 Things Rarely Asked...answers by ME

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?Yes, one in particular
2. Do you have any weird sleeping habits?Yes, so many.
3. When was the last time you've been swimming in a lake?Last month - Smith Mountain Lake
4. Would you rather sleep with someone, or alone?I like company, really I do.
5. Whats hurting you right now?Tinnitus in my ear is bad today
6. Who was your favorite boy band from the past?Duran Duran - do they count?
7. Do you think OJ killed his wife?Absolutely
8.Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears?Christina
9. Do you stay friends with your exes?Almost always with only a few exceptions. Two I consider very, very good friends.
10. Do you know how to play poker?Yes and not very well
11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?For sure. I'm a parent. You wouldn't believe how long I can go without sleep. I once went a whole year.
12. What's your favorite commercial?This one is tough one - this week I would say its the Vegas one where the girls switch wigs in the bathroom.
13. What type of food do you eat the most?I really like ribeye, but I mostly eat salads as of late
14. When was the last time you had a lot of fun?Just this past Friday night, with Will, Daniel, Scott EP DJ @ JP & a whole lot of vodka.
15. Have you ever had a Choco Taco?I have - its ice cream. You can't go wrong.
16. The Boston Red Sox or the New York Yankees?Neither - hate 'em both
17. What kind of underwear do you have on?The kind I always wear...those of you who know me get that
18. How often do you remember your dreams?Rarely
19. When was the last time you had a cappuccino?In April, in Honfleur, France. It was great.
20. What is your biggest fear?Having my daughter pre-decease me
21. What's the one thing on your mind right now?What's always on my mind? C'mon!
22. Ever been in love?Several times. Good stuff.
23. Do you put salt on a turkey dinner?Yes, and pepper
24. Do you always wear your seat belt?Yes
25. What’s your favorite candy bar?Mallo Cups
26. Do you like bananas?Nope, unless they are in a banana split.
27. Have you ever gotten into a car accident?A few minor ones
28. What do you wear to bed?different things...
29. Been caught stealing?no
30. Do you know how to play pool?Barely
31. Do you like scary movies?Yes.
32. Do you truly love someone?Absolutely and with reckless abandon. She's 10 and she looks a bit like me
33. Bluegrass or rap?Rap, but old school rap.
34. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?Ohhh this one changes daily. But this week it is Daniel Craig
35. Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole?1%
36. What food or drinks do you find disgusting?Gin, and for food it would be yams
37. Would you change something about yourself?My singing voice. Or my height.
38. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours!recently
39. If you could have one thing right now, what would it be? a winning lotto ticket for powerball
40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?Yes.
41. Have you ever sung in front of a mirror?common, daily occurrence in this house

42. Last person who slept with you in bed?; ) Not saying who but it was really, really
good

As requested, Ad Girl

You really, really need to just go ahead and get a MySpace profile so you can participate. C'mon. Jump in! The water is fine! All your friends are in here.

42 Things Rarely Asked.. answers provided by Punk Boy

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?A couple times, in my misspent youth, in Jersey
2. Do you have any weird sleeping habits?I’m asleep, how would I know?
3. When was the last time you've been swimming in a lake?A lake? really? Again, probably in Jersey
4. Would you rather sleep with someone, or alone?Well, now that you got me thinking I have weird sleeping habits, I'm all self-conscious
5. Whats hurting you right now?Hunger
6. Who was your favorite boy band from the past?Oh come on.
7. Do you think OJ killed his wife?Of course, of course, who else would want to? Spouses love killing each other
8.Christina Aguilera or Britney Spears?sigh... those two hobags are still around?
9. Do you stay friends with your exes?Sometimes, sure
10. Do you know how to play poker?Ah, no. No clue, actually.
11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?Haven’t made it that long
12. What's your favorite commercial?Best commercial ever is the Geico "tiny house" reality show--"Are you kidding me?!"
13. What type of food do you eat the most?Peanut butter? pizza? not at the same time
14. When was the last time you had a lot of fun?Just this past Friday night, with Natalie, Daniel, Scott EP DJ @ JP & a whole lot of Jack Daniel’s.
15. Have you ever had a Choco Taco?a what?16. The Boston Red Sox or the New York Yankees?I’m not really the sporty type, in case you hadn't noticed
17. What kind of underwear do you have on?Now we're getting to the good questions, you perv. (Thanks Stacey)
18. How often do you remember your dreams?Just about always. i have good dreams usually
19. When was the last time you had a cappuccino?It’s been years, if ever
20. What is your biggest fear?That another Republican will win the race in '08. (ditto Stacey)
21. What's the one thing on your mind right now?Lunch
22. Ever been in love?Kinda sorta
23. Do you put salt on a turkey dinner?Of course
24. Do you always wear your seat belt?Yes
25. What’s your favorite candy bar?Reese’s cups, but not the regular ones, the big ones they make at Easter & Christmas--more peanut butter. yes, I am a candy connoisseur
26. Do you like bananas?I do, I really do
27. Have you ever gotten into a car accident?A few minor ones
28. What do you wear to bed?Said underwear
29. Been caught stealing?I’ve only ever stolen one thing, ever, & I was not caught
30. Do you know how to play pool?Yes, sure. Next question.
31. Do you like scary movies?Do you mean horror movies, or movies that scare you? These are two different questions. Movies like Rush Hour 3 are scary, and I hate them, and horror movies with vampire lesbians don’t scare me, but I love them. Hope that clears things up.
32. Do you truly love someone?Probably
33. Bluegrass or rap?Yaaaawn
34. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?Just ONE? Good lord, you're killin me, but I have to go with Jenna Fischer, aka Pam from The Office. Sigh…
35. Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole?Half percent
36. What food or drinks do you find disgusting?Scotch—really, it tastes & smells like shoe leather
37. Would you change something about yourself?Sure, plenty, of course. As the Boss sang, "Wanna change my clothes, my hair, my face..."
38. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours!Why, I played just the other night!
39. If you could have one thing right now, what would it be?Said Jenna Fischer
40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?I don’t think so, sorry, I’m not that noble
41. Have you ever sung in front of a mirror?I’ve done lots of things in front of mirrors. (thanks Stacey—I mean, I agree with your statement, not thanking you for doing something in front of a mirror)
42. Last person who slept with you in bed?Wouldn’t you like to know!

Single in the summer of '07 baby!!!

Last night, last night. I'm tired today, but not hungover. However, lots to say.

I went on my drinky date. With low expectations. Actually, with no expectations. Honestly, if I hadn't been talking to Ad Girl, I might have come close to blowing it off even as I was driving there.

I get there early. I have never in my life felt more like fresh meat that at that moment. I can walk into Slim's, and there will be a whole posse of tattoed, tough looking guys, and feel more comfortable.

But this bar - attached to a restaurant near the airport - had the craziest sort of all male, corporate, "boy is my life empty but I got money in the bank" vibe. It was a scratch the needle off the record moment when I walked in. Only ONE other woman there, and she was bartending.

I ordered a Maker's and ignored the stares. And I PRAYED that no one from my old company would come in, as they are but a mere mile away.

My date walks in, darker haired than his MySpace pic, nice skin. Smiley without being goofy.

My immediate thought is not: Ooh I can never hit that. (Good, good. I can move forward...)

However, my second thought is not: Ooh I can hit that. (Punk Boy was heavy, heavy on my brain.)

We talk IT and jobs for awhile - we have that in common. Obviously smart. Has started and sold 3 different companies. Traveled quite a bit. Been married, and is still friends with his ex. Said that's been a bone o'contention. Asks if my ex and I are friends - indeed - and he seems happy with that.

20 minutes in to the date, in the middle of talking work, computers, Bill Gates, advertising, he says:

Do you like Def Leppard?

Do I? Does Lindsay have a drug problem? Is Britney crazy?

I tell him yes, embarassingly, I do like them and have seen them. He then says, and this is an important moment kiddies:

I have front row seats to Def Leppard and would like to know if you'll go with me that night.

Would I?

Silly me for thinking this was a waste of time.

The rest of the date was uneventful, other than saying he had earplugs for me as he knew about my ear issue, and he was graciously checking the time for me (I had told him I needed to pick up a friend at the airport. And by friend, I meant mini-me and by airport I meant gymnastics...) so I wouldn't be late.

So. The rest of the evening.

I am driving downtown and get a call from N. Hey! What are you up to? Come down to Hibernian. Me and the boys are here.

So I do. Its okay. But his gf is calling him several times during the 1st hour we all hung out. He leaves us, to go take care of all that - I predict they are back together today- and me, Fun Girl and the other two boys (photographer we saw at Humble Pie and the big guy who has worked at the ad agency for forever) go to JP. Without N. In fact, we don't hear from or see N the rest of the evening. It was like he had a cameo at the beg. of my night and that's it.

We hang out for awhile. We go to leave, and I decide to stay and have one more beer with L. She and I haven't talked in a while. I need to tell her my dilemma.

Its' all good. She's in a similiar spot. She went on a crummy date with a lawyer the other night and just thought about her bartender/DJ guy all through it. Yeah. I know that feeling. As fun as front row seats are to Def Leppard, I keep thinking about Punk Boy. She says, you've got that whole oh the sex is so good thing going. It's like a drug fix. I said yeah, that is a big part of it. But we're good out of the sack too. He has gotten under my skin, in my head, whatever you want to call it.

The rest of the evening was uneventful. Lots of attention from some guys I knew and she knew, but nothing funny or annoying.

I went home and downloaded Patty Smyth onto my iPod and thought about the someone who is NOT taking me to Def Leppard.

Still 14 years old here...yup. Not showing my age at all

So MySpace bulletins.

MySpace bulletins are ways to broadcast public messages to all your friends. There are several people on my list that do these regularly. Sometimes they are YouTube videos, sometime they are messages like, "come on down to the bar where I work, I am working tonite" sort of messages, sometimes they are funny, time wasting surveys. I have a high school friend that loves to do them - how she finds the time, I have no idea b/c she's a busy Vet. But I digress...

There was a latter type bulletin -called 42 Things - that three people within my network had done. They are random questions - very high school - but pretty fun to fill out especially if you are someone like me who loves to fill out forms, surveys, anything narcissistic etc.

Punk Boy was one. And I got mentioned in his bulletin. It was as follows:

Question 16 - When was the last time you had enormous fun?
Answer - Friday night with (insert my real name here), Double down (but insert his real name here) cool dj friend (insert his name here) and a lot of Jack at the JP.

NICE. There was another intriguing one:

Question 42: Who is the last person you slept with?
Answer: Wouldn't you like to know?!

Apparently, he's never been in love either, or hasn't had a great one, judging from his answer to that. "Kinda sorta."

So I did this too. It was too much fun not to.

Question 16: The last time you had fun?
My Answer: I answered just like him, with his name instead of mine, and replaced vodka with Jack.

Question 24: Ever been in love?
My answer: Several times. Good stuff.

Question 42: Last person you slept with?
My answer: ; ) Not telling you who but it was really, really good

Ooh and my favorite funny one was this:

Question 1: Ever been searched by the cops?
My answer: Yes, by one in particular

A little shout out to my ex on that one, as he gets the bulletins too.

The ruse of the week

Last week it was the calls on the mysterious "missing package"

(hey nobody is missing that package around here! ba dump bump. thank you thank you I'm here all week)

This week it is an email asking for help with technical recruiters

CWI, baby, CWI. Cooking while intoxicated.

Quick update, in lazy-writer list form, as I am extremely busy today.

I feel, because of recent and upcoming events, that I am like training wheels for the N Raleigh newly divorced set. I like it, but wonder if I could parlay this into a paying gig.

• Quick email exchange with Punk Boy. I could look at that pic of him on MySpace all day
• Email from the new guy, D, confirming drinky date at 5:30 today
• Call from N, inviting me out for football watchin with the boys on Friday...sorry, I am otherwise occupied
• Dinner with one of my new mom friends, J, who is a doll and sweet and we had a good dinner that involved our mini-me's hanging out and coloring while we drank wine and told stories about being newly single
• Text from N about how his ex GF now wants to talk. Good luck with that - I warned you on that one.
• Email from my writer friend in NYC - telling me he will indeed be in NY the weekend we are all thinking of flying up and yes he would very much like to drink some bourbon with me
• After dinner drinks with P and her newly separated friend K who needed advice on being separated, being back out on the market, dealing with the failure of divorce (you'll feel it, but get over it! You have but one life!)
• These after dinner drinks on my patio included the following funny statements from one of us:

1. See that scar? That one on my arm? That's CWI baby. CWI. Cooking while intoxicated.
2. Ohh I always say, if he's tall and skinny, he's going to have a beautiful penis
3. You, my dear, are a premeditator. You get yourself all dolled up, you pay the baysitter for an overnight stay, you get the grass mowed and you go on the PROWL. A Premeditator. The funnest kind of single girl there is...
4. You did the walk of shame?! Were you wearing red shoes? (Yes, yes I was.) Were they patent leather. (Yes, yes they were.) Girl, premeditation. Premeditation. No excuse for patent leather stilettos except premeditation.
5. I haven't had a 21 year old guy since, well, I was 23. Lucky you!
6. Oh he was too old for me. He was 46. I like 'em under 30.
7. Oh I hadn't had sex in a long time. I was married for the last 3 years. I've been separated for 5 weeks now and I'm hittin it regularly. Who knew?
8. He's 5'10" and he has a big dick. It's like finding a unicorn!

Suddenly I (still) see

all the sweet irony in my life.

These aren't setbacks, just more interesting cones to maneuver around.

Just in case any of you were worried...

My head is a fucking ball of string to god's kitten...

Yeah.

Well. So. Some new developments.

I got asked out by someone for a drinky date on Wednesday. I actually struggled with whether to go.

Why? So glad you asked!

It was a combination of things. Do I have the energy to go? (so-so) Is this guy cool? (he is in that corporate, I do well and run 5ks sort of way) Am I interested? (mildly, and maybe in that I should be sort of way as I need to be dating around) Would this fuck up the cool vibe with punk boy?(hmmmmmmmmmmm hmmmmmm je ne sais pas)

I didn't know the answer to that. That could go one of many ways. What to do what to do?

I consulted my board of advisors. And while I am on the phone with Ad Girl and Uncle Big Bad, talking this over in a way that tells me I truly am a 14 year old girl these days (or maybe I just like being part of their life, either way it's there) I get a call on the other line and its Punk Boy.

To that news, Ad Girl says: Oh. Your head is a fucking ball of string to god's kitten.

Indeed. I hung up with them posthaste to listen to his message. Here it is:

"Hi its (insert his name here) and I was just sitting here with some wine and watching Old Christine and thought I would give you a call."

So you are watching a show about a late 30-something divorced woman who has one kid, is friends with her ex husband, and occasionally has ridiculous adventures involving drinking, sex or other fuck ups? And then you decided to call the woman you know who is late 30-something divorced, with one kid, is friends with her ex husband, and has, in front of your eyes, had some adventures involving both drinking and sex?

I digress. I called him right away. We talked. I joked that I am a blonde stand in for his Julia Louis Dreyfuss, single mom fantasy. He laughed a lot at that. He talked about his mom visiting. That's about it. I did not have the guts to bring up the date.

Back in my 14 year old girl mode, I called Ad Girl back. I told her I was looking for a sign that perhaps I should bring this up to him. She said:

dude. the guy calls. talks about his family. what more of a sign do you need? you are gonna potentially go on this date, he'll catch wind and who knows what he'll think. he may be fine, he may not be. the guy left condoms at your house. he thinks he's coming back. who knows what he's thinking? do you want to risk that? just talk to him...you will feel better being honest.

So, I lit a cigarette, took a big gulp of Pinot out of my LEAD CRYSTAL GLASS, and dialed him for the second time that evening. Nervous. But in acting mode - as I can't be nervous or defensive or seem like this is a big deal. It isn't. But being so honest and up front at this ambiguous time in what isn't even a relationship seems odd. I think it is the right thing to do.

(OHHHH LEAD POISONING SETTING IN)

I say: hey. its me. something has come up, and I think we sort of have to have a little conversations without having THE conversation.

He laughs. Says, okay.

I say: So. Someone has asked me out. And I am not sure what to do. I don't know if I am hesitating because I am unsure about the guy, or if I am feeling weird because I just don't know what to do. we're in this weird area. friends, but we're sleeping together. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I don't want to prematurely put restrictions on whatever is going on here. so I felt it best to be adult and honest and just tell you about it.

So he chuckles a bit, and says: I thought this would happen at some point. I thought of it yesterday, what am I gonna do if someone asks me out? It just happened to you first. I expected this. You have to decide on your own whether you want to go out with him - that's your decision. But I won't be hurt. This is summer '07. We're single. Hate to break up that vibe, or put a label on us that is premature or rush into things.

(This sounds stupid but...I didn't know until that moment when he said that, that I really didn't want to hear him say that. )

He continues: So when I was thinking about this, I was also thinking I would need to run this by you if I was going out with someone else, seems like the right thing to do - just as you have done. I so appreciate the honesty. But this is back on you whether you go out with him. You have to decide that for yourself. That's your decision. And that's a lot tougher to decide - what it is you want.

Thanks for lobbing that one back to me, Punk Boy. (Hilarious loud typical laughter from me.)

So I hang up. And yeah, I am gonna go out on that date, and its the right thing to do. And I got a level set about us- which is good (my imagination was better for my ego) and as ad girl says, you get to this point early to avoid bigger talks later. Plus, with the honesty, you guys can go back to being friends when this fling is done.

And I think our friend KJ, who is L's best friend and JP regular, said it best when she said:

He's really just fling material.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

N, the ex. Calls. He's mourning. His heart is broken. Man does he need some time and space. I found that I can be objective about him at this time - only b/c I recognize that he is in that space I was in, especially in the fall as sad girl and in going back out with he who should not be named. I recognize that mansion in hell he's in right now, I lived there. He's given a lot, more than he's ever given, and it didn't work. You feel like an utter failure.

The thing is, now I also know he'll come out of this. Maybe not this week, maybe not this month. But he's going to emerge just fine down the road.

So I'm compiling the list. And there's more than one man on it. And there's going to be 2-3 potentials in there just waiting to move up.

Shun the non believer!

I spent the afternoon at Ad Girl's pool, and we discussed the following things while being lazy all afternoon.

1. Charlie the unicorn on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5im0Ssyyus) is apparently universal with 10 year old girls. But its all snarky and adult...
2. Mini-me's friend has created what is called "The List"
3. The List is your ranking of the guys in your life that you like, and men can be added or fall off the list at your command and wish
4. The List is required, according to mini-me's friend, because, I quote: "I'll never be alone. I have the List..."
5. How do people get on this List? I am so glad you asked. According to the 10 year olds, it is similiar interest. The example they gave is as follows: "Jake likes cherries. I like cherries. They are, like, my favorite fruit!"
6. It occurred to me how silly this sounds. Oh! to be ten again! Then it hit me - um, this is no really different than being 37...he likes old horror movies, I do too. We both like bourbon. It is one of my favorite liquors. I like kissing him, he likes kissing me. We both like sex. With each other, and in general. We unanimously agree that sex is a great, great thing, That's all it takes. Its just like we both like cherries!!!
7. You don't agree? Shun the non-believer!
8. I added the punk boy to my top 10 friends on MySpace. This was a subtle move on my part - a way of saying, hey, I am digging this. We both like bourbon. We sometimes sleep together. You should be in my top friends. I don't know if this means anything, but your picture now sits right next to one of my other top friends AND Fun Girl's nephew, Sgt. Major Gorgeous George the Cat. I think all this means is that you are in my top ten. Did he notice, and change his top friends? Am I in his top ten now? I am too scared to look, for fear of rejection. Does he like cherries too? How old am I, really?
9. HOW OLD AM I REALLY?
10. Ad Girl and I couldn't really come up with a full List for me, but we know who is at the top at this moment. And she keeps laughing like Ralph Wiggum at me.
11. "Magical wonders behold when you enter, Charlie..."

25 things that I heard or saw or did this weekend

1. I heard Little Red Corvette in the JP on Friday night, after listening to it all week long on my iPod
2. I got a text from N saying that he and his gf were over, again
3. I enjoyed, thoroughly, holding hands under the table on Friday night at Havana's
4. I was surprised by the PDA given by my date - a kiss, in front of everyone, before he went off to get me another drink
5. I got another text from N, asking to meet him at R Times
6. I did not meet him
7. I saw all the lovely irony in my life and fell back in love with me the way my friends were hoping I would
8. I saw my date pratfall out of the JP and immediately get up and announce: "I meant to do that..."
9. I ran out on my friends when the ugly lights came on to go make out in my Jeep
10. I made out for 2 hours while watching Jaws
11. I did another Cam Village walk of shame away from the condo at 7am
12. I came home to my babysitter and mini-me playing cards at 7:15 in the morning
13. I did various forms of nothing for several hours yesterday and was content to do so
14. I got a text from N asking about going to a movie
15. I did not go to the movie, but did answer the text with an "I am busy tonite"
16. I got a call from Punk Rock Boy when he awoke on Sat
17. I got a text from the attorney ex asking me to get a babysitter and meet him at the Outer Banks
18. I did not meet him
19. I got a random text from someone saying "Yo (insert my real name here)! Are you out?"
20. I texted back and said: "Nope but have a good time!"
21. I pondered for awhile who this person is that is texting me
22. I ate some ice cream and not suprisingly, gained 2 pounds
23. I invited Punk Boy to my house for wine and we talked for 5 hours on my back patio, and we heard songs by Springsteen and the Smiths and Sisters of Mercy and David Sylvian and we talked and talked
24. I am not left handed but still good as using that hand - wink wink
25. I got 9 texts from the attorney ex- all went unanswered
26. I made this list with hours left in the weekend

She's exotic not foreign like an old cadillac...

Well, I was at the pool and got a nice reminder via SMS that someone had left a comment on my MySpace page around 1.

We got kicked out of the pool around 2 due to an approaching storm, so I logged in to a funny little comment there. Then another message from him as well. Lots of stuff in there, but the one thing that stood out:

I'm really looking forward to tonite. Only a few hours to go...

Hee!

Am I 14 or what?

So I replied to his note, telling him among other things, that his double down friend is most welcome to come out with us tonite, but that said friend should not, "Grab my ass as that is someone else's job to do tonite. ;) "

Oohh another one just came in as I write. I'll check in now....

(Time goes by...pretending like you are waiting on my to come back.)

His response to all that was : Well put!

And we are going out together...as I will pick him up. Ad girl, if you are reading this,I'll get there as soon as I can.

The right guy, on the right team, will help you...

I finished Harry Potter and it was so good.

"That which Voldemort does not value, he takes no trouble to comprehend."

Not the best line in the book. The best line in the book was said by Ron, and it is:

"It's not all about wandwork..."

Well, actually, Ron yes it is. Wandwork is definitely what it is all about. But I digress.

The he who should not be named line I thought was apropos. Someone dated me for 18 months and didn't take the time to comprehend what I was about - things that acquaintances get about me, he did not. Hence, why the quote fits. He didn't value me, and as such, he didn't comprehend either.

I love it when I can put together a really lame relationship tie in to Harry Potter.

So I just got two calls and a message from he who should not be named, saying he was looking for some package. Now, I had a package delivered this morning - samples for the catalog mailing I am working on right now for my company - so nothing remotely to do with him. I don't know what is up, but I called him back. And he said, was a package delivered there this morning. And I said yes. And he said, for me? And I said, no, for me, catalog samples. He was like, huh. Okay. That's it.

And the call ended. WTF. He still hasn't noticed those ties are gone.

On a happier note.

Emailing with punk boy. The comment wasn't the only thing on myspace. (24 hours to go til Friday....not that I'm noticing.) Apparently, he went out last night with that guy we all know, that guy who was in love with Ad Girl back in the day (or was that last week too) and they stayed out til 2. Oh to be a fly on that wall, huh? Bet there was some fun talk.

So he wants to meet for dinner. Apparently he's not leaving this up to chance meetings. I like it. Given all the time daydreaming about him this week, this feels pretty good. I proposed meeting Ad Girl and Uncle Big Bad and he's down with it. So there you go -Ad Girl - you get your present from me for the week. You can watch this in action, watch me try and act all non-chalant when you know I'm being a 14 year old girl inside.

My shout out to Uncle Big Bad - I have been doing some research. We def. need to avoid Brett Favre from GB. And Vick (hello Captain Obvious!) And I think Brady is over-rated now. The stuff with Bridget Moynihan has his brain all fucked up. But I have a good feeling about McNabb, and the new QB for the Skins, so I'll have your QB rankings to you posthaste. SI has some great stuff, so do some research there. And believe it or not, your kicker can make all the difference in the world. This is an important pick for you. The right guy, on the right team, will help you rack up points.

Enough of that.

Everything is wonderful, being here is heavenly

Another opening lyric. Once again, the well is dry when it comes to clever titles - not much going on midweek.

I've made a CD for Fun Girl. She and her former fella of her dreams made me one last fall that has stayed in continuous rotation since, and helped immensely - especially in the past few weeks. It's the CD that introduced me to the song whose lyrics have named this blog, as well as the Social Distortion song that I have since adopted as my own personal theme music in the past 5 weeks. (I should have been listening to this one song continuously all spring as my self esteem melted away, but lesson learned.)

She's exotic but not foreign, built like an old Cadillac

She's a knockout

Once she's left your life she ain't nevercomin' back

She's a knockout

I digress.

So Fun Girl's CD has these tunes (plus more!) on it and I'm listing them so she'll meet up with me and actually take the CD off my hands:

1. Young Folks (PB&J)
2. Achin' To Be (The Replacements)
3. Her Way of Praying (Jesus and Mary Chain)
4. Natural One (Folk Implosion)
5. Someday, Someway (Marshall Crenshaw)

and for pure cheese value:

1. Little Red Corvette (Prince)
2. U+UR Hand (Pink)
3. Chorus (Erasure)

and because I cannot burn a CD without putting this song on it and Ad Girl you will laugh at this one:

1. Astounded (Bran Van 3000)

Yeah, that one is still still still overplayed here at mi casa. Good to know some things don't change.

There's more than that, plus a set of Ginsu knives if you act now!

I got nothing interesting for you guys. Just a lot of work and an awful lot of daydreaming.

No drama, thankfully.

Well mom, I think eHarmony just isn't working for you

Not much to report.

Today I have work.

I have also have a bit of concern over RS. Has a Dr's appt today. Hope it goes well. Wishing her the best.

On the phone with my ex-mother-in-law this morning, who is now coming to stay with me part of mini-me's birthday weekend. The bizarreness of post-divorce (its been over 7 years!) life never fails to amuse me. If she's cool with staying here one night then so am I.

Going to let Ad Girls dogs out tonite, and looking forward to having my friend E over to continue our girls night chat we started last night either tonite or tomorrow night. It was great, but got cut short due to my requested appearance at the SW terminal to pick up a certain unaccompanied minor who is related to me.

Which leads me to my next little missive.

She's been gone almost 3 weeks, and I swear she aged.

Here's how our conversation went in baggage claim.

Mini-me: So, how are you? (Said in her best Talia Shire/Geico therapist voice, with particular emphasis on the "arrrrrrrrre..."

Me: I'm great, really. No worries. I hope that you didn't want to return to NC out of worry for me. I'm a lot better.

Mini me: No it wasn't that.

Pause.

Mini-me: But see, he who should not be named was stressing you out. That's why you are better.

(She really used the phrase he who should not be named. I laughed. Guess she's overheard my telephone conversations. Plus that marathon therapy session with Ad Girl might have just clued her in.)

Me: Well, yes. I didn't realize the stress level I was operating at. I had no idea, because I was in it. But really, I'm good. Had a few bad dates, and a few good ones. I'm gonna be fine. i'm so much happier.

Here's the funniest one, which came next.

Mini-me, said in an authoratative, non-tween, deep voice: It sounds like e-Harmony just isn't working for you. I think you need to move on to It's Just Lunch.

Well okay missy. WTF? You spend three weeks in Iowa and take your first over two hour flight and now you're 25 and wise? Are you on the payroll at It's Just Lunch?

I get it. It hits me she's been on a plane for over two hours, and instead of reading her own books, the kid loves to peruse SkyMall and whatever airline magazine is in the back of the seat. Those mags have big spreads about It's Just Lunch...

Get the lead out

I had to throw away my lead crystals decanters 6 months ago. Why?

So glad you asked...Ad Girl and Fun Girl thought this was ginormously funny.

Six months ago, social moron and I had a bourbon drink one night, out of a decanter that I've used for years. I think it was just one drink, perhaps two. Or maybe it was that we ate chocolate m&ms from a lead crystal bowl. It doesn't matter - it was something like that.

The next day, he has a headache or some other malady that makes his mind wander. He begins to think he has lead poisoning from the bourbon. Hello! My cat's name is mittens! What does he do?

He turns to Wikipedia, and all hell breaks loose. He sends me links, says I need to throw away my lead crystal decanters - the one I keep candy in and the ones with liquor. (I had about 4...) Says he thinks he has lead poisoning, and we gotta stop using these things b/c Wikipedia says they are super dangerous.

Dangerous.

Yeah, dangerous in a Cary, NC, kind of way.

In an ooh I wore white after labor day kind of way.

Not dangerous in an, "I live with terrorism, open sewage and lions outside my door" dangerous.

Lead crystal bowls from Bloomingdale's are not danger, especially if they are holding chocolate. The amount of time candy and chocolate lasts in this house can be measured in milliseconds and minutes, not days, months or years. There is barely time for the liquor or m&ms to hit the crystal before the stuff is in my mouth...

The sad thing is that I thought nothing of his craziness. He said I was crazy for having these decanters in my house with a child around, and I said okay, dude, I'll throw 'em away.

(Yet it wasn't crazy for him to live in an old, old apt. where he had to sign a lead paint release form? This one didn't occur to me.)

He schedules a doctor's appointment. The doctor, somewhat unwillingly, says sure I'll give you a blood test for this. (This was the easiest $200 bucks that doctor made that year...no doubt that guy laughed all the way home that day.) He thought I should go to the doctor. (Uh, no. No. Really. I'll wait, heh heh, for your results to come back before I do anymore for this.)

The blood test, of course, does not come back with any, any indication of elevated lead levels. And my decanters were gone by then.

I didn't think anything of this story until the other evening, and we had a really good laugh about this one and another one I'll regale y'all with later this week. Party stories. Good time, good times.

My liver took the night off -finally!

Quiet night at home. Tried to read Harry Potter but made it through a few pages and started watching Easy Rider instead. Then fell asleep. I'm going to make this book last way longer than I should, because there are no more to look forward to.

Earlier in the evening I did get a call from Punk boy. Talked for 20 minutes. Nice. Nice. Again, not sure what to think of all this but just going with it.

Mini-me returns tonite. Apparently very, very homesick this time.

That's all I got so far. Not too much to write about when your night consists of getting your nails done, a trip to the grocery store, and a trip to the alphabet store.

Ohh. The alphabet store. I bought some gin. Is that a bad thing? I don't drink gin, but someone I know does...thought it was good to have in the house.

Crap..he's running through my head today

I couldn't come up with a pithy title so I just decided upon honest, unfiltered words.

Sunday...Sunday.

Punk boy stayed at my house. Woke up to both of us in the same position we fell asleep in, which was him sleeping sort of across my back with his arms around me. Who would have thought he was like that.

(The bad thing about this is that I sweat when I sleep. A lot. It is totally gross. That coupled with the drool thing I have going on makes me OH SO ATTRACTIVE in bed.)

For a minute, I looked over and thought:

Holy Shit! (Insert his real name here) is in my bed!

It was one of those surreal moments - I just couldn't believe it. I would not have predicted this 5 weeks ago.

We had coffee. I took him home. All good.

I then helped Fun Girl move some stuff. That was good times, good times. You know you really like being around your friends when you don't mind helping them move. She's gonna be great - she's already on an upswing that I hope she writes about in here.

I went to the bookstore. And because I was thinking way too much about this guy I have spent some time with, I found myself buying a Bruce Springsteen 3 CD set. And listening to it. Damn him.

Sunday night - cocktail hour at Ad Girl's townhouse. Holy shit - more good times. Seriously good times. So good I think we should perhaps do this weekly??? Thoughts? Anybody up for it?! We talked and ate and drank and drank and drank and complained and blushed and got angry and got a little sad but mostly had fun through all of that. I really really think this needs to be a regular thing.

So next Sunday night - my house? I'll stock up and go to the alphabet store this week.


And damn. He's running through my head still. Damn. Who knew?! I wanted to be all casual about this guys. I can still hear Kelly saying to me - oh he's a two week fling at best. So if that's the case, I want my second week!

He's playing it so cool. I now have to be strong and play it cool too, see what happens. Fun girl thinks this should be easy for me to do.

How refreshing to concentrate on this as opposed to how many days I haven't contacted social moron.

And - I am within 5 pounds of my goal weight. Life is good.

Atomic

Saturday.

Well, early Saturday, I did the walk of shame across his Cam Village Condo courtyard. UGH.

Why does he have to live there?

Why am I doing this walk of shame - hair all mussed, skinny jeans, high heeled shoes - at 8 am and I am HOW OLD?!

I go home. Long phone session with Fun Girl who thankfully calls me on my way home (she got a kick out of that) and knocks me out of my self-imposed shame and guilt session. She's got issues of her own to deal with and I'm glad to talk about her for a change....

Get home. Mmm still have some pages left in Harry Potter. I'm savoring this one, only reading a few pages here and there. That and my drinking and slutty ways don't leave too much time for reading.

I fall asleep and wake up at 2. I like this. Wish I had a buttload in the bank so I could live like this for awhile.

I go shopping. Bought a buttload of stuff for mini-me at Limited 2, including EGADS bras. It hits me as I am in the middle of that store, looking around at all the moms and tweens around me, that I am a mom who did a walk of shame this morning.

I am such a dirty, dirty girl. Someone is going to see that zipper on my grown up suit and expose me for the 18 year old idiot I really am.

I digress.

I go home. Shower. Perfume. Grooming. Prepare myself for my date (another one - this time I know its a date) with Punk boy. I pick him up, we go to a nice restaurant near State, have a long dinner, lots of adult beverages in adult martini glasses. I'm really digging this. We decide we've eaten too much and need a pot of coffee, so we go back to his place.

We can't find any friends who are willing to meet us out, so we're on our own schedule.

And so, we stay in his place for awhile. And, as much fun as I had the nights before, Saturday night was mind blowing. So good.

Apparently, he who should not be named is not the only guy who is fabulous in the sack. This guy is so good. So good. He knows what he doing and he's confident and he's sexy and he's appreciative and he's about me and he's about him.

As per the night before, we headed up to the bar (just a mile away) and didn't make any pretense about going in together. Let em talk. We sit down. The bartender, who knows both of us separately, just looks back and forth at us, but doesn't say anything.

We have a GREAT time. Talking, talking, talking. Laughing. The AC was broke in the bar and we didn't give a shit. The DJ was a friend of both of ours and was playing stuff for us all night. (Atomic was my favorite. ) There was some PDA on his part, a little surprising. Not in a "marking his territory way" but in a "I like touching you" way.

I decided it was time to take him to my house.

Unfortunately, I had not taken Ad Girl's sage advice and disposed of my copy of "Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood." Damn if he didn't find it within 5 minutes of being in my living room.

He thought my bed looked "big and grown up." HAHAHAHAHA. I just think that is funny as I am not at all acting like a grown up this week.

More on Sunday in a later post, as that day was particularly good as well, thanks to spending time with Fun Girl and Ad Girl.

Attorney girl said this profound thing to me:

Maybe the social moron wasn't good in his bed on his own. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you're the one who is good in bed?

Hmmm. Yes. I believe that there might be some truth to that. But I think this guy is good on his own too.