College girls with eating disorders and millionaires on life support

So in talking with my ex, he explained that he doesn't want to be hurt anymore, and that I have mistreated him for months. (Going back to January.)

I am not supposed to hold anything he says to me in anger against him, but he can continuously dredge up shit I did three months ago.

This seems completely fair.

And, the kicker:

He explained that he was completely justified in getting mad.

Hmmm. I am thinking...no. Maybe I am wrong here, but um yeah I am sticking with no. No it is.

It wasn't justified.

Was I a bitch? Yes.
Was I wrong in being mean and throwing out his t-shirt? Yes.
Could he have yelled at me in private? Yes.
Have I been unfair to him in the past few months? Yes.

But he didn't do it in private. Doing what he did, and essentially abandoning me on the trip, was just plain bad. No one, including loser cheater uneducated psycho violent drunk ex fiancee made me feel as bad as I did on Saturday. And this guy is a mild mannered businessman by day. It's all very very surprising.

I wish I hadn't fallen in love with him. I certainly wish he didn't know so much about me. I wish I didn't know so much about him.

I wish he had never ever told me about how he used to be mean to past girlfriends b/c they weren't the hottest girl in the bar. I've learned to look for that look in his eyes when we are out, that look that spots a young fresh hottie with a killer bod who clearly lacks the baggage I drag along, that look that says,"What does that guy have that I don't?"

He claims its just social color commentary, that he likes to watch people and wonder, and I love doing that as well. However, I don't get that look he does- he gives off this anxious aura when he spots a hot girl with a dorky guy - and it very much gives the impression that he's angry at lost chances or lost years being a dork or whatever. That look was responsible for a few of the fights we had on the cruise, and many other times, and he denies that he does it, but he doesn't realize the looks on his face or his body language. I think that he thinks he looks happier and non-chalant when he's out watching people, but honestly, he just looks mad sometimes. And it makes me sad, and makes me wish I was prettier or younger or thinner (clearly thinner - as his parting comment yesterday bore some truth) or something that would just keep him happy. I don't mind the looking - hell I look all the time at cuter guys - its the wishing and the anger on his face I got sick of.

But I am not prettier or younger or thinner (working on that now!), so he'll be off in search of college girls with eating disorders and I'll look for a millionaire on life support.

You take chances with any guy you go out with - any guy has the potential to be a cad. Why not just go for the guys with money? Poor guys are cads too. Middle class guys are cads. So are rich guys. Most men, by nature, are jerks. I might as well find out if a guy is or isn't a jerk while being wined and dined on his dime, and driven around in a nice car.

See, I can change. I learned something new. I am becoming opportunistic - as the great poet Young MC put forth.

On to other things. Perfect timing. Karma is a good thing.

Who sent me an IM this afternoon?

Yup, you guessed it. Ticket. The hot sales guy. The send me in a limo to waffle house guy. Funny how life works. Had he bothered me last week, I would have reminded him of the fact that I have a boyfriend. (Yes I have to be that obvious.) I might have just ignored the message. But I don't have that same situation anymore. I didn't remind him, and we just chatted. We'll see what happens here. He just bought a house very near mine in the past month...and he has a very nice car.

There have to be other guys out there like Ivy but without the public humilation gene.