FWB

I left something out yesterday when I posted.

I forgot to say that I fell off the wagon, did something really really really dumb, whatever you want to call it and had a session with you know who earlier this week. Shit, it had been awhile!

It was nice 8 times over for me, literally 8 times over. Wink wink. Actually much more than nice (intense, wonderful, amazing, tender, hot, better than ever, wondrous, really just the best ever with some amazing kissing included but as such, confusing as hell to me) but I could have used the Gnome around to prevent it.

So there you go. We'll see if the Gnome is around tonite. Doubt it.

Fun!

Gal Pal, Rock Star: I gotta thank you guys for the flowers and champagne and Thursday night party. You are the best. Truly the best!

RS-I love the idea of San Diego/LA and Mexico with Homey in November. Find out if the plan is doable. Is California going to spontaneously combust if all three of us are in one place together, finally? I cannot imagine what going to happen - we've been talking about this for months. I feel like I will be hanging out with my twin and my stunt double at the same time.

I was a bit hungover today. All that wine. Nothing I can't power through. We have more to do tonite!

PS: D is absolutely delightful!

Not doing any better...

in terms of forgetting or getting over him. I make it through another day and think its going to be easier and its really not.

I am doing better in terms of me. I feel better about me. I'm pissed as hell at him, and still a bit mad at myself for not being stronger. But I feel good overall about who I am.

I worry a bit about him - I guess I can step outside of my anger enough to be concerned.

My friends have been great. My family? Not so much.

Watching Bridget Jones' Diary was torture.

Why is when you are no longer part of a couple you see couples EVERYWHERE and they all seem so shiny and happy? They are all skipping around together, going to dinner, getting engaged. I must have seen twenty couples at Harris Teeter. Reminding me at every turn how alone I suddenly am. That and that everyone is getting laid but me. (Need to remedy that fast.)

And those EHarmony commercials! Ugh! E Harmony - how dorky chubby people hook up.

High Heels, Luz Casal and Un año de amor

Lo nuestro se acabó y te arrepentiras
De haberle puesto fin a un año de amor.

Si ahora tu te vas pronto descubriras
Que los dias son eternos y vacios sin mi.

Y de noche , y de noche por no sentirte solo,
Recordaras nuestros dias felices,
Recordaras el sabor de mis besos.
Y entenderas en un sólo momento
Que significa un año de amor.
Que significa un año de amor.

Te has parado a pensar lo que sucedera
Todo lo que perdemos y lo que sufriras.

Si ahora tu te vas no recuperaraslos momentos felices que te hice vivir.

Y de noche , y de noche por no sentirte solo,
Recordaras nuestros dias felices,Recordaras el sabor de mis besos.
Y entenderas en un sólo momento
Que significa un año de amor.
Y entenderas en un sólo momento
Que significa un año de amor.

Words for today from a friend

I saw in your eyes a sadness and charcoal-gray doubt, and I saw you didn’t need a lecture. Any friend would have seen that from a thousand, foggy yards. You needed to be told the truth—that you are so wise, so beautiful, so unique and wondrous....

Wish I could write like that.

Ugh

Bad day. Missing him. The idea of him. What I wanted him to be. What I wanted to be.

Regardless. It's Sunday. I miss him. Bad day. Really bad day.

I'm getting to the point where I do want a pint of ice cream - and Goodberry's flavor today just happens to be sweet cream...

Nope - the jeans are fitting well. I'm feeling better about myself as a result. Frozen custard WOULD NOT be a good idea.

Still miss him. WTF! Damnit! At least when I am angry its easier. Easier to get over him. Easier to be mad and not wonder what he's doing. Not wonder if he's thinking of me.

Friday. One year. That stupid parking lot. Dancing. Drinking. "I want to marry my best friend." How cute he was. How smart he was. How confident we both were back then. Ugh.

So much easier to be angry. I'll go back to angry, and this will be easier to get through.

Still very sad now working towards pretty angry...

at myself. But making progress.

Signed up for therapy (just for me). Initial session over the phone was refreshing. I feel better about myself already.

Learned a lot about control...and power in a relationship. Realized that no matter what I've said in the past few months it was his M.O. to criticize or pick it apart for its hidden meaning. (A la the toilet paper conversation was about not believing in him...) I could not have won in that situation - there was nothing, nothing I was going to say or do that was going to be right. And the harder I tried, the worse it got. Learned behaviour over time. And instead of getting mad, or standing up for myself, I just got more pathetic, and unhappy, and repressed, and scared to lose him.

So now I am mad at myself for this.

I have talked about it with friends. And the advice from two guy friends was particularly enlightening: "Oh he did the whole power thing on you b/c he was either scared of commitment or not that into you..." I didn't know what was meant by this - so there was elaboration needed on "the power thing":

He's not happy - with himself or you or both and/or he feels pressured.
He picks at you. He criticizes. In small ways at first, so you don't pick up on it. You roll with it.
It is his way of keeping power, especially in the face of commitment.
This begins to work on your self esteem.
He picks and criticizes more. The more you try, the worse it becomes.
Neither of you is patient.
Your self esteem is now in the dumps.
You're both bickering and needling each other. It becomes constant.
You as a gf (and the relationship in general) have become no fun - so he breaks up with you.

Both guys admitting to doing this in several relationships. They said it made it easier to break away - they used it when they were commitment phobes in their 20s and not so comfortable in their own skin (their words not mine). They admitted that didn't even realizing they were doing til later - years later - when they could look back on it.

Both my friends said: does this sound at all familiar? Have we hit on some of it? Is he 28?

Indeed. Except for that last part on age.

And honestly - this knowledge did two things:

1. Made me feel better. I didn't really understand how I had gone from a fairly self confident girl (granted - a small chip on my shoulder from the fiancee cheating on me bit last spring) a year ago this week to a scared, hen pecking, low self-esteem ninny he sees now. No wonder it didn't work out. I didn't like who I was, and I didn't have the balls anymore to tell him I didn't like who he was either. I was picking back at him constantly b/c I knew no other way.
2. Made me angry. At myself. How could I let this happen? Why didn't I stand up sooner? Why was I so blind? Why, in the spirit of being so in love with him, of feeling so lucky to have him in my life, did I evolve into this person I don't recognize? This is a good anger. A cleansing anger. Anger at myself. A feeling that seems to be giving me strength to get back to me. ME.

Being out last night - and where were you Bad Idea Gnome cuz I could have used you?!-made me realize who I am. Really who I am. I was me again. I am not that girl I was with him. People like to talk to me, and listen, and they don't interrupt to criticize or tell me how I could word it better. (And these aren't all shiny new people. Some of these people I have known for 12 years. ) People like how I dance - and I like dancing again. I'm not Madonna or Christina but I am still pretty good at it whether I go fast or half time. I wasn't self- conscious. I was happy and confident and I looked great. I am a good mother, a really good mother, who is trying her damndest and, for the most part, succeeding - and my conversations last night among fairly self-actualized adults reflected this and reflected back their belief in me. In some cases I was the hottest girl in the bar and in some cases I wasn't even close and I did not care either way. And the people talking to me didn't care. And they didn't stare at other people. They looked around, but the focus was on our group. Or whoever was talking. Or, from time to time, me. And that felt really good.

I had fun.

There was a time, a while ago, when I did have fun with him. I remember it. And the fun was the best fun I have ever had. Maybe ever will. He had amazing lust for life. But over time, there's been no fun. There's been alot of criticism. And being out with him, those words of criticism would stay in my head. And I wasn't even close to being the best I could be.

I felt good about myself and the people I spent time with last night made me feel even better about me. They were confident enough in themselves that they didn't need to tear me down.

I had forgotten all of this.


So more news:

There is a huge party in London for my friend N's birthday. N is the girl who got married in Vegas. The huge party is a reunion of everyone from the wedding/hen and stag night parties in Vegas (over a year ago - wow) , and I've been offered a place to stay in a swanky hotel and the promise of much fun from Yorkshire Hottie. Remember him. ("Hellllo gorgeous! I am ringing you on your mobile whilst waiting to leave for Prague...") Check the archives. Wow did he and N come through in a big way yesterday. This made my day.

And...three guy friends from here are going to London and Barcelona for two weeks in November - the week before and the week of Thanksgiving - and the invitation was extended to me as well. As I was facing Thanksgiving alone this year, this seems like the right thing to do. Cannot swing two weeks, but can certainly do 8-9 days in Barcelona. There are worse places to be than Barcelona for Thanksgiving. So wow did my local friends come through too. I am lucky to know these people.

(God I dread the holidays. The pity party at work was bad enough this week..."So sorry. You must be devastated...blah blah blah" but the holidays are going to be simply dreadful. I digress.)

So which do I do ladies? I have to commit to tickets soon. I cannot do both...just not possible. Barcelona with the guy friends I think is the way to go.

Each hour that passes this gets easier. But there are moments. Like when I heard Five for Fighting's "100 years" last night on the way to a party - that song was my "daydream about the future" song, a song that I imagined I would dance with him to at our own wedding. I was almost in tears. Or the moment when I passed by the street I used to turn off to go to his house. And this coming Friday will be horrible - as it was going to be our one year anniversary had we made it.

But I'm stronger - just in talking to the therapist and spending time out with friends - and I'm going to be fine. Even walking around with a severely broken heart, I can be happy about me, and my life. Therapy is going to help - really, how can it hurt? Therapy is like jello, there's always room for it. My friends are keeping me busy and calling, and that helps more than I ever realized it would. I missed some of them, and am glad to have them back and am not too proud to lean on them a bit. Rock Star and Gal Pal have been sooooo good, as has G - who has kindly babysat me for the last 24 hours.

I've got years and years

Being dumped. Ahhh the joy of it.

There's the satisfaction of watching and re-watching "In Her Shoes. " A movie I thought was trite and disappointing 6 months ago has a weird sort of calming effect this week. Two viewings so far. I want to applaud when Toni Collete runs up those steps. I want to find my own patient, jewish, lawyer boyfriend.

There's the weird songs you spend your time jogging to. Somehow Safri Duo and Kaiser Chiefs are just too peppy, even for exercise. No, I roll with old school 70's. The decade of the break-up. Everyone sounded depressed. On my repeat button the last two days:

Fool (if you think its over) by Chris Rea

Yeaaaahhhh. It was a minor hit at best, but I've got it in my head and it doesn't make me cry:

A dying flame, you're free again
Who could love and do that to you
All dressed in black, he won't be coming back
Save your tears, you've got years and years

(Those words help a LOT. If you yourself are nursing a bad break-up, just listen to the first four lines a few times. It will get you out of bed. Seriously. It is like free, instant therapy.)

Miss teenage dream, such a tragic scene
He knocked your crown and ran away
First wound of pride and how you cried and cried
But save your tears you've got years and years

(It's not even about my pride. This just hurts.)

Have I resorted to Lifetime movies, pints of ice cream and time in hallmark stores?

Nope.

No binge eating. Lost 6 pounds with another 10 on the to-go list and 6 miles ran this week so far. The love handles are becoming non-existent. My jeans are baggy - yay! I can actually fit into a pair of pants that haven't been out of the house in 8 months!

Have a trip to Orlando planned - business - for five days that I need to be at fighting weight for. Less than three weeks to go.

Filling up my schedule with friends. "He won't be coming back." Need to tell myself that and move on. Miss him. Don't miss his impatience with me, or his constant criticism of how I go about things. Or the words I use. Or how I parent. But I do miss him, and will for a long, long time. Will work on me for awhile and see what happens.

At least I can say you were a great lay

Before I sign off for awhile, here's the last word, for my friends and one reader in particular:

• Hospital diva had her baby - a girl! Arrived late but healthy!
• Hottie McHottie BF is finally gone for good...finally

RS - when your Dreamy McDreamy knows you are having a bad day, what does he do? He brings you flowers! Mine -knows I have walking pnemonia, been sick for a week - I ask him to help me...what does he do?

Crickets.

'Cuz that's just how he rolls.

Claims he has not been reading the blog. When asked about it, did not confirm or deny, but rather said I was crazy and called your hottie to say I was being paranoid about my blog. I never gave a shit whether he was reading it or not. But a guy who cared about me would not have dodged the question nor would he have turned it back on me. So here goes:

I never wrote things in here to get them across to you, it was supposed to be for me and for my friends. Writing therapy. But I realized in the last few weeks, thanks to comments by you and my site meter, that you were reading this regularly.

Own up to it man.

Own up to being insecure. Own up having serious anger issues. (Wanting to punch out somebody at Frankie's over the bumper boats? WOW. What an example you set...) Stop being a whiny little 12 year old boy who never got over being beat up on the bus or the fact that your parents divorced. It wasn't your fault. Your mom is not nearly as bad a person as you make her out to be, and your father is not the great parent you think he is. (Kid gets hit by a car and dad doesn't visit for six weeks....somehow you had forgotted about that issue.) It isn't ever going to be perfect. You aren't always going to have the hottest woman in the bar as your date. (Unless you win the lottery, lose some weight, you get hair transplants or you turn into Brad Pitt.) People aren't always going to like you. You don't know shit about parenting until you have a kid of your own or your helping raise one yourself -full time. Your way is not necessarily the best way. I don't give a flying fuck what my friends or family or anyone else on this blog thinks about you - I was still willing to give it a try.

You weren't. You've taught me over the past few months that you aren't here through thick and thin. You aren't around unless things are done according to your wants and needs specifically. I have no doubt that I'll never meet anyone like you. Still think you were the one for me. Yes, I doubted I was the one for you and you confirmed this today, telling me you didn't think I was.

I told my sister that sometimes I do things that push you away, and that I am very often unfair. She said, "Yeah I can see that. You can be a total bitch. The thing is, sometimes I would do that too but XXX (her husband) wouldn't let me push him away - he was strong enough to see through my bullshit and shenanigans and totally unfair behaviour. He called me on it and talked me out of it but didn't abandon me. He would stick around. Your BF isn't willing to do that. He's just not strong enough or he's just not that into you. Either way you are screwed."

And there you are. And that's what hurts. Were I more special to you, you would have worked harder at this. Been more patient.

So I'll meet someone nice. Eventually. Or perhaps next week. Don't know how or when but this too shall pass. So Hottie McHootie, he may not be a great lay like you, but he'll be nice. Sex I can teach. Everything else I fail at.

(That's what he says...)

Taking a hiatus...

tired of writing. Might emerge under a different username/topic.

Damn.

RS - you WERE NOT kidding about Astrology Zone being dead on for me. You told me to go to this site a few days ago and I just remembered. Wow. And ugh. Check it out:

If you have been dating, you may be dismayed to learn that your date viewed your time together lately as a fun romance, but nothing more. Worse, you may suddenly be given the "we should date others" speech. This news is likely to arrive on September 3 in the form of a text message, IM, or email, but not in person, proving that this person apparently doesn't have the courage to face you. All things considered, you'll be better off alone!

(Yup September 3 was really bad. Actually it was Sept. 2, but what's 24 hours...and listening to Alice Deejay over and over has not helped me figure out whether I would be better off alone.)
If you have been dating someone in an established relationship or if you are married, near September 3 you may be just as dismayed to learn that you and your partner have come to view your relationship differently. When you hear what your partner has to say, you may not like what you hear. Oddly, it may be your rising status in your career that now throws your relationship into turmoil. This month the two of you will be challenged to get on the same page.

Hmmm. It was NOT rising status that's for sure. But...the thing about same page. Still not there.

How things turn out will ultimately depend on how willing you'll be to continue this union and to fix what's wrong. If you love your partner, you will want to do all that's necessary. If you don't, the extreme clashing of planets in September may just push you hard enough to throw in the towel. See how you feel - you'll know the course that is right for you.

I know which way I am leaning...
If your friends offer to play matchmaker this month, let them. They will help you by setting up as many introductions as you like, and they seem to know your type to a T. In that respect, single and unattached Sagittarius will do well.
Venus' entry into your fun sector on the month's very last day, September 30, to stay until October 24, is another sign life is looking up!

So by Sept. 30 - this hellish month will be over and things might just be looking up...

Best date nights: September 6, 23, 27, 28, and 30
Summary
A radical change in your home life is likely to rock your world this month.

Yup my world was rocked. Not in the way I enjoy, or in that "Janet, you rock my world" sort of way as said by Cliff in Singles.

Bad Idea Gnome

This is the Bad Idea Gnome.

He's supposed to pop up and say "bad idea" when things get out of control. He's not much of an inspiration as he's always got that keg with him.

But I digress.

Luckily, he was with me Friday night. He's been curiously absent from mine and RS' life over the past few months. We could have used him before the whole pass the mints game.

So had a great night out on Thursday. Dinner with a mommie friend. Out afterwards with RS and her friends at a new bar in N. Raleigh. And one last drink at Ollie's on the way home. Bad idea gnome didn't even have to chaperone RS and I whilst we were out on the town.

Friday was even better. Margaritas. Bumping in, unplanned, to an attentive ex boyfriend. (Always good. But fleeting. Like eating a sweet tart. Tastes great for about 5 seconds then its gone.) Bad idea gnome didn't need to get involved but he was lurking around the corner. Going to a crappy bar with one of my friends to see her friend Heather's band - dreading it a bit b/c I don't like the bar - but realizing when I got there that one of my guy friends was the guitarist in said band! Proceeded to dance the next 90 minutes away! Had a ball!

In between tried to cut the night short earlier that evening with a booty call to BF. I misinterpreted two calls he made to me late that night...thought perhaps he was missing me. (Silly rabbit. He wasn't. But I was certainly missing him.) Alas, he was having none of it. Did not want me to come over as he was too tired and needed alone time. I didn't sweat it. (At least not that night...I would be totally lying if I didn't admit that it is gnawing at me today. Sunday blues...)

Did have mostly a good day and night with BF yesterday - golf then fabulous dinner then drinks with friends at Federal. Suppose this is going to be a once a week sort of arrangement for awhile. Seems weird and I am definitely having trouble with it. Hard to feel like you are going backwards. But I've thought it through all day today and am coming to terms.

Good afternoon today. Bought my daughter golf clubs. Spent time at the driving range just letting her hit for awhile. She did great. I think mother and daughter lessons are a must at this point.

Still have yet to get my eyes checked! Put it off last week...

That's what she said

RS: Do you think JG got so drunk at his wedding that he pulled another Studio 54 - but this time on his bride? Was he at his own reception making out in a corner with a bridesmaid?

I would like to think not, but hearing the stories that he was SUPPOSEUBLY a drunk, dancing fool just makes me think of the MGM in January.

I'm gonna do my own version of Veiled Conceit if I find his announcement somewhere on the web.

(How was that? Every entry from now on will include one of those. Perhaps two or three. I mean, its just the english language, for intensive purposes...)

Therapy is a test where the answer to every question is: because of my mother

Couples therapy. It sounds so lame. But...

First meeting was a rousing success. The title says more than you can imagine!

In all seriousness, the therapy session was a huge huge win. A weight off my shoulders. I see why this works if you have the right elements in place. It's why games have referees and coaches: athletes might have a lot of talent, but even McNabb or Manning needs help with the rules and a playbook. Hell, Staubach didn't coach himself. The '72 Dolphins had Shula and refs there to help them. The 'skins had Norv Turner in the 90's. Uh. Wait. Nope. No...we can't use that. Strike that last one.

But I digress.

It went well. Got to unload a bit. Got some advice. Both got some reprimands for crazy, ultra competitive fighting and related behaviour. Looking forward to the next session on Friday. Putting off the eye exam in favor of another session with the BF and the Dr.

Also anticipating girls night out tomorrow. Just had a lunch debrief on the psychoanalysis with Rock Star and she was as optimistic as me. To celebrate, we're planning a school night outing for libations. I have a dinner first with one of my fellow suburban moms, but now have a post-dinner drinkfest with the girls to look forward to as well. Long overdue.

And in closing:

A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience...

He's just not that into me

BF is history.

It's been a tough weekend. Minutes seem like hours. Totally depressed. The house is so quiet. Daunting to think about rebuilding parts of my life that were intertwined with him.

Made a quick vow to never date at work again. I now have to face seeing him/hearing about him at work. Ugh.

Friends coming to the rescue though - always good. Had me out and about last night. Trying to set me up with an eye surgeon who is single...keep me from falling back into this when it has been so awful for me. Hoping that when I get a little distance, I'll see what everyone else saw. The logical side of me knows this - I can even see it now on a Sunday morning - but my heart just hurts so much. And I miss him. I had no idea it would hurt this much. I didn't hurt this much when I broke off my engagement last year (very telling about that situation) nor with just about any other break-up.

I thought he was the one.

I haven't hurt this bad since when the first love of my life and I broke up - and that was 18 years ago. Whole other story I don't want to tell right now.

Have to make a list of things to remind myself why this is right:

1. I was really into him and he's just not that into me
2. He's not good stepfather material (too selfish, not giving enough and certainly not patient enough to let things flourish as they should over time...) This was his own self-fulfilling prophecy. He kept fearing that he wasn't going to be heard, that he wasn't good enough to be a parent. I spent months telling him otherwise. In the end, he was right. He's not. Perhaps if he were more into me he would have made more of an effort. But alas...
3. His insecurities were somehow excusable when mine weren't. Whatever. I was willing to overlook and work with what he was weak on. I know he had issues - and I was trying to help. He wasn't willing to return the favor
4. As such, he's just not that into me
5. He's just not that into me
6. He's just not that into me
7. He's just not that into me

Yup it is my new mantra: He's just not that into you! It's getting me through the really tough moments on a Sunday morning.

I'm off to the bookstore to buy reading material for the pool and for my daughter to buy thank you notes for her various birthday gifts. I have the uncomfortable task of making her write notes to his family for their gifts even though I am trying to erase him from my life. This is one of the last things I need to do where he is concerned.

I suppose with my new singleton status the blog is going to get a lot more interesting again. Let's hope so. I'm not going to have another long dry spell like last summer. And I need to know that he's not the only guy out there that's great in the sack.

Rock star and I are already working on plans for our birthday celebration in December. Something else to look forward to.